BACK INTO THE ABYSS

I'm now up to 75mgs a day, but it's not working. I feel horrible. Just like the miserable fucked up failure that I used to be.

The job situation is still heinous. I really don't want to get into it because I've been obsessing over it all weekend (nothin' like GAD to help you obsess over stuff :P ), but to make a long story short Boss threatened to fire me Friday morning. By lunchtime I was on my way down to the agency to have a sit-down with the owner of the company so I could tell him everything that was going on. Then when I get back to work Boss pulls me into his office for a little sit-down on his own, which was pure bullshit. On one hand, he says, "this job is a stepping stone for you, you're too good for this job, you're going to go on to bigger and better things, I want to be your friend, I want to help you", etc. Then on the other hand he's telling me "my expectations have not been met, the feedback I'm getting from the department is that they're not very impressed with you". In fact, the first thing he said to me when he pulled me into the office was "I could pick up the phone right now and have you fired." Niiiice!

If it weren't for the fact that this is the first job I've held in over a year that's paying me enough to make rent and pay the bills, I'd tell this idiot to shove it up his African ass. (That's not a racial slur. He really is from Africa.) He's got a serious communication deficiency. Even worse, he keeps using "English is not my first language" as an excuse. Dude, you've been in the country for SEVENTEEN FUCKING YEARS! If you haven't learned the language by now, maybe it's about time you started!

Did I ever mention that one of the symptoms of GAD is irritability? ;)

I just feel like giving up. I feel horrible. I'll never be normal. I'll never be OK. I'll never be anything but a miserable failure. Maybe my parents were right to throw me out of the house. I was nothing but a burden and a disgrace to them.

After he kicked alcohol and cocaine, Robin Williams had a great line about the post-recovery phase: "I'm still the same asshole, I just have fewer dents in my car." Well, I'm still a miserable fucked up failure, I just have medication to control it now.

Except that the medication isn't controlling it at the moment. I even tried to schedule an appointment with my doctor on Friday, but no dice. I can't blame him. It was only on a few hours' notice, and I'm sure that the last thing a young single man living in NYC wants to do is work late on a Friday night. But I'm really miserable now, & I'd give anything to be able to talk to him right this minute and hash out a strategy--either switch drugs or make a contingency plan in case I get the nasty skin rash.

My appointment is scheduled for Tuesday. I guess I'll have to wait till then.
- posted by Pat @ 10:33 PM