It's a GAD GAD World
Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Imagine that you've spent your entire life in a room with no windows. You have everything you need to survive, and you're reasonably comfy, but you have no way of getting out of that room. You'd spend a lot of time being bored, and you'd have this great yearning for something...You can't name it, but somehow you know that there's got to be something better in life than this drab room you're stuck in.

Then one day you're let out of the room. And WOW! You discover all sorts of neat things. Like trees and flowers and chirping birds and squirrels. And McDonald's. And cable TV. And puppies and kittens. And chocolate chip cookies. And George Clooney. For the first time in your life, you really start to live.

But then one day you're back in your room. And it's a thousand times worse and you're more miserable than you ever were before. It's not because anything in the room is different. It's just that now you know what it's like to be outside, and you know what you're missing by being in the room.

That's me. I'm back in the room. My job is a real pain in the ass, but I know that my problem is with the disease and not with my life because some of the physical symptoms of GAD (twitching, limb jerking) are coming back along with the cognitive symptoms.

I know, I know--just take your fucking Lamictal, right? Read my previous post. I'm afraid to die. I know I should call my doctor, but I have this nagging worry (I'm GAD, I worry about everything) that I'm being a pain in the butt to him. We're talking about a doctor who's affiliated with private practices in CPS & the UES. He's GOT to be raking in the $$$, and he's seeing me for free. I don't want to take advantage of him.

In job news, the pregnant woman's last day was yesterday. I still haven't been able to do a damn thing. Part of the problem is that I have to be able to access the university's database in order to do a lot of the work. I can't do that because I don't have an account yet. ("Yet" is an iffy word. I've been told that an application was put in for me to get one, but I don't know if I believe that.) Just before the pregnant woman left, she gave my boss the password to her account. I watched her do it. Do you think my boss has made any fucking effort whatsoever to get me logged on? OF COURSE NOT!! I can understand if he doesn't want me to have her password, but geez, do you think he could at least log me onto the system so that I could get some work done?

It gets better. He conducted a job interview today. No one in the office even knew he was looking to hire. I can only think of one reason why he'd be doing such a thing--he's looking to replace me.

On one hand, that makes no sense. Why would he be looking to get rid of me NOW when the pregnant woman is gone? On the other hand, 1) nothing this idiot has done in the 7 weeks I've been there has made any sense, 2) it would explain why he didn't bother to do squat to train me while the pregwoman was still around and why he's not letting me on the system.

I really need to get some sleep now...

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