It's a GAD GAD World
Saturday, January 24, 2004

I've been off Lamictal for 3 weeks & I'm just miserable. I spend days just sitting in my apartment and crying. Nights I'm wide awake, desperately trying to find something decent on TV just to pass the time until Mr. Sandman decides to get off his ass & pay me a visit.

My job at the university officially ended on 1/16. I've got this week off, then I go back to the tax firm starting this Wednesday. I had this wild and crazy idea that I'd clean up my apartment during my week off. I wasn't expecting to be this miserable. It doesn't help that we're in the middle of some FUCKING cold weather and my landlord turns off the heat during the day. Not counting my daily outings to the post office down the block to check my PO box, I can count on 1 hand the number of times I've left the apt in the past 7 days. Once was to go out with a friend (1 week ago tonight), once was for an interview (for a job I didn't get), and last Friday was to see my doctor.

I had hoped to be starting memantine by now. But he told me it wasn't available. I broke down and cried. I told him I couldn't wait anymore and that I was going back on riluzole effective immediately. Then he told me he wanted me to do things "with [his] guidance", then after discussing the possibilities (which were few, since there's no way in hell I'm going on an SSRI & I don't have money or insurance right now) "we" decided to go back on riluzole. So much for his guidance.

So now I'm doing 50 mgs of riluzole a day, which is half the dosage I took during the study. I'm marginally better, and I do mean marginally. And I've spent the entire week sitting in the apartment trying not to eat since I can't afford to buy food anymore.

As I said, job at the tax firm starts Wednesday with a 12-hour shift. Yay. My boss is such a pissy mama's boy. When I told him a 12-hour shift was a little excessive, he said I could take breaks & not to sweat it. What an asshole! He's never worked a 12-hour shift a day in his life. Plus, he knows perfectly well that once tax season kicks into high gear I won't even have time to take a piss, let alone take a break.

And did I mention that this isn't going to pay me enough to live on? The only advantage is that I'll have more time off during the week to job-hunt and go on interviews. And GOD, I hope I find a job before tax season is over. I am so sick of being poor and struggling. My respite from poverty at the university was so nice.

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