It's a GAD GAD World
Monday, March 15, 2004

I blew off a job interview yesterday.

Well, maybe "blow off" isn't entirely accurate. I showed up. But I walked out before it actually happened. It was at a jewelry/collectible place on West 57th. Nice area, very close to Columbus Circle, almost directly across from Carnegie Hall.

I walked in (actually, I was buzzed in), and it was this tiny cramped little store. A woman asked if I could be helped. I told her who I was, who I needed to see, and why I was there. Turns out it was the owner who was going to interview me. He hands me a soft binder containing company info & invites me to have a seat & read it while I wait.

So I sat down & started thumbing through it. The pages were brown, worn, & ripped. And it was filled with spelling & grammatical errors. And while I'm sitting there I notice that the owner guy is speaking in a very condescending way to both his customers and his employees. I also notice that one not only has to be buzzed in to ENTER the store, they have to be buzzed if they want to LEAVE. At first I thought that this might be for loss prevention purposes, but then I realized that all the merchandise was behind glass cases. It simply wouldn't be possible for someone to just stuff something in their pocket & walk away with it. Then I notice that if anyone tries to leave, the owner grills them on what their purpose was there. Almost as though he wasn't going to let ppl leave without convincing them to buy something.

The longer I sat there, the more I felt like a trapped animal. I had gotten there at 12:15. My interview was supposed to happen at 12:30. By 12:40 he was bogged down with customers & it didn't look as though he was going to be talking to me anytime soon. So I made my break. I stood by a glass case near the door and waited for someone to be granted the privilege of being buzzed out. As soon as that happened, I snuck out behind them. As I walked out I could hear the owner call after me, "May I help you, ma'am?" (Apparently he had already forgotten my purpose for being there.) I just kept walking. For a minute I thought he might try to chase me down the street, but thankfully he didn't.

Right now I'm thinking about whether I should ever schedule an appointment with my doctor ever again. On one hand, I need meds. I mean, I **NEED** meds. But on the other, I don't know if I can face him again. I am so fucking angry with him right now. If the doctor thing doesn't work out with him he should seriously consider a career in politics, because in the 8 months that have passed since I completed his study, he's done more waffling than Aunt Jemima.

I'm also afraid that he might make giving me meds contingent upon getting psychotherapy. And I simply CAN'T afford that now. I ****CAN'T****!!!!!!!!!!!!

The makers of memantine have a patient assistance program for which I might qualify. I could potentially get up to 6 months' worth of meds for free. My doctor just has to write me a prescription, fill out a form, and mail it to the drug company. And I could be out of his hair for 90 days. Then he'd have to take 15 minutes to repeat the process and I'd be out of his hair for another 90 days.

What would happen if I simply didn't make an appointment? Would he call? Would he email? Or would he simply do nothing and thank God that I've finally gone away?

I'm also thinking of starting to send resumes far away. Like, North Carolina & Pittsburgh far away. Even Illinois far away. I don't want to leave NYC. I like my apartment, I like my neighborhood, and I like being close to the greatest city in the world. But if I don't find a job by the end of April, I'm going to have to start relying on my retirement fund to pay the rent. And that won't even last a year.

I have friends in NC. And another friend/mentor is the VP of Student Affairs at a small college in IL. He's got a position open now for which I might qualify. He's supposed to email me tonight.

I was supposed to hear from the institution last week (y'know, the same one where my doctor works), but Friday I got an email from them saying they wanted to interview more ppl. That's not a good sign. Whaddaya wanna bet my doctor said something to them? Bastard...

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