It's a GAD GAD World
Monday, February 21, 2005

I am not well. After 11 months of being relatively normal, I have completely relapsed.

The only things that bring me any peace are alcohol and Xanax. And no, I am not taking those substances together. I'm not stupid.

And I'm not suicidal either. But I am utterly miserable. I can't relax no matter what I do.

On Saturday I got up, walked downtown and got a haircut, came back home and took a Xanax XR, & went to sleep. Usually the XR knocks me out for roughly 12 hours. The bad news is that this time it only knocked me out for 6. The good news is I actually felt good when I woke up. No stress. No anxiety. For the first time in nearly 3 weeks.

2 days before, on Thursday morning, I emailed my doctor and asked him for a refill on both of the Xanax prescriptions. (He'd given me a scrip for 0.5 mgs of regular X, it helped get me through the day without knocking me out.) He asked for my address so he could mail me the scrip and said he couldn't continue to be my doctor.

I don't understand it. I just don't understand it. I feel like he's punishing me for being sick. Damnit, I was fine for ELEVEN FUCKING MONTHS!! I didn't want to relapse. I didn't choose to relapse. And I didn't choose to be mentally ill, either.

I'd give anything to be asleep right now. I drank at 10 pm, went to bed at 11, and fell asleep @ 11:20pm. Woke up @ midnight, watched a CSI rerun, and now I'm blogging.

In case anyone's reading--my drinking is not excessive. I can't stand wine or beer, and if I can't even handle that, then hard liquor is completely out of the question. I drink those fruity sodapop-type beverages. And my limit is 1/night. So a 6-pack lasts me about a week.

Alcohol also puts me out like a light, which is another reason why I can't do it heavily. IT's also why I do it at night. It helps me sleep and calms me down a little.

The anxious feeling is coming back, but today I can control it if I stay busy doing something. Which is why I'm blogging. But I can't do this all night.

I took a sleeping pill /12 hour ago. I hope it kicks in.

I finally got my insurance straightened out. I have an appointment with a doctor tomorrow (well, technically today, since it's after 1am). Hopefully she's helpful and not a quack. And hopefully my soon-to-be-ex doctor won't screw me on the prescription.

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