It's a GAD GAD World
Tuesday, February 01, 2005

I wish I could just crawl into a hole and never come out.

My new job is kicking my @$$. It's taking every ounce of strength and brain power I have just to keep my head above water, and now this.

I had a meeting with the Big Boss yesterday. I was told that the meeting was to discuss the hiring of a new bookkeeper. I should have suspected that something was up when she asked to meet me in my office instead of hers. Turns out she just wanted to check up on me and order me around.

Then late last night I made the mistake of checking my work email (I can do that from home) and there was an email from her. It was a follow-up to our meeting and it was very harsh and dictatorial. "You will do this" and "You will do that" (my emphasis). It literally rendered me unable to sleep. I'd love to know what the hell I did to get this punch in the stomach.

I've spent most of the day today crying at my desk. The student counselor came by to talk to me and I told him what happened. He seems to think that she's just covering her own @$$. To make a long and complicated story short, someone who worked in the position before me was fired for gross mismanagement. One of the reasons she was able to get away with the mismanagement for so long was because the people above my position don't keep real close tabs on it. So now the Big Boss is trying to show that she is keeping tabs by ordering me around and putting it in writing.

I wish I had the luxury of quitting this job. This is not healthy for me. I have an ANXIETY DISORDER, for Pete's sake!!

I haven't even told very many people about my job, even though it's what I've been struggling for ever since I was dumped from Crummy Catholic College. Reason--I'm so afraid of getting fired or quitting that I'd rather people not know I got the job.

I'd give anything to take a Xanax right now. Unfortunately, the only kind of Xanax I have is the XR stuff--knocks me out like a light for 12 hours. How many more days till Friday....?

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