It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, February 06, 2005

Friday morning I woke up at 4am anxious. I don't mean that I woke up at 4am, started thinking about work, and became anxious. I mean I woke up anxious. I tossed & turned & finally calmed down by around 6am, but then 6am is the time I wake up, so I just got up & went to work.

I also finally broke down & called my doctor. I didn't really think it would do much good, but I wanted him to know what was going on. So we made an appt.

That appointment was today. To make a long story short, I was telling him something and I yelld--a little louder than I should have. He became angry with me. I fell all over myself apologizing. Then I tried to talk with him about what was going on with work. In mid-sentence he cut me off & told me he had another appointment. I said, "I knew trying to talk to you was a waste of time." He asked, "Why would you say it's a waste of time?" I didn't answer, I just walked out. And cried all the way home, partially because I felt bad for yelling and partially because I just really wanted to talk to someone objective & he was shutting me out.

About 10 minutes after I got home my cell phone rang. It was my doctor. "You seemed upset when you left." I should have just apologized again for wasting his time & hung up on him, but instead I started bawling and apologizing all over again. I tried to stress that I just wanted an objective ear. He said, "I'm not the best person for that." I said, "I didn't want to talk to you on a regular basis, I wanted to talk to you once." He gave me some phone numbers I could call. I then pointed out to him how very hard I try not to bother him. I pointed out that until today, in the 11 months that I've been on the memantine the only times I've come to see him are when I'm out of meds & need more. So even if the appointment was a complete waste of time, at least he knows that I don't want to take advantage of him.

I'm still crying. I haven't been able to stop. And I don't want to go to work tomorrow.

I've decided that I want to get out of this job & work somewhere else at Prestigious Institution as soon as is humanly possible. The question is, when is a good time to get out?

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