It's a GAD GAD World
Saturday, April 16, 2005

That's right, the Big Boss has fired me from Prestigious Institution. I really don't want to go into the details because I'm sick of it and I want to put it behind me. What I will say is that I've got 4 people (potentially 5) who are willing to be references for me. That speaks volumes against the 2 people (Big Boss and her clueless cohort) who think I suck--one of whom is retiring in a few months, the other of whom is plotting her escape even as we speak.

I got the news on Friday. Then I went downtown & cried on Cute Guy's shoulder--literally and figuratively. He became my therapist that night whether he wanted to or not.

After getting over the initial shock, I'm feeling less stressed than I have in weeks. As God is my witness I tried my best in this job. I really wanted it to work. I compromised my health in order to try and make it work. I fought so long and so hard to get hired at this place that I was willing to sacrifice my health over it. But in the end it wasn't enough.

Last night I went to see CG again--he let me sneak into the show for free--and gave him a gift. It was a CD in a can (inside joke) along with some home-baked cookies and a thank-you note. We didn't have much time to talk, but he was appreciative.

Next month it will have been ten years since I obtained my master's degree. I will also be turning 35. And my life is nowhere. I still have no career, and I still can't find a man to save my life. What good am I in the world?

I am finally accepting that I will never have a career in higher education. God knows I tried my best. I have shed obscene amounts of blood sweat and tears for this profession, but the verdict is clear--the profession does not want me.

So what am I going to do until I mercifully drop dead? God only knows. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I just want a job that pays me enough to live on and doesn't give me an ulcer. And maybe a boyfriend while I'm at it.

So far I have a few job prospects. Prospect 1: subbing for an admin on maternity leave at a jewelry company. The good news is it would be steady work for 3 months. THe bad news is they want me to interview Monday, wait until mid-May to train, then be on hold until Mommy goes into labor. And how am I supposed to support myself until then? Maybe if i qualify for unemployment I'll be OK...

Prospect 2: Part time position at a cat clinic. I think I'd like the job, but the vet expects the person he hires to stay for a long time, and I don't think he thinks I'll do that. He's right. (HELLO!! YOu're offering a part time position with no benefits, and you expect a person to stick with that forever???)

I would give anything just to sit and have a conversation with CG. And not necessarily a 'therapeutic' conversation. I would love just to sit and talk with him about whatever. But I think I scared him away after last Friday. He's still speaking to me (that in itself amazes me), but I think any chance I may of had with him (yeah right, like I ever had a chance) is gone forever. I can still count on one hand the # of real conversations I've had with him, and last week I blurted out that my parents disowned me, that I'm a WTC survivor, and worst of all that I have a psych disorder. Not that the psych thing is the worst thing he could have learned about me, but it was the worst thing I told him. The worst thing he could have learned about me is that I've never had a real boyfriend, but that's something I'd only share with a boyfriend, and even then only if I had to.

I left a phone msg on my ex-psychiatrist's voice mail the day I got the bad news. He sent me an email on Monday saying I could make an appointment with him if I wanted to. I told him thanks, but I couldn't afford him. Bastard. He probably did it just to clear his conscience. He knows perfectly well I can't afford treatment without health insurance--that's why he treated me for nearly TWO FUCKING YEARS!!

I think I'm going to curl up right here on the floor and cry for a while.

PS--If ANYBODY is reading these posts, could you please post a comment? I just want to know that somebody out there gives a damn.

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