It's a GAD GAD World
Saturday, August 20, 2005

I've had a few opportunities to see CG in the month that has passed since I last posted. Most of which he was too busy to talk to me. Last time (which was 8/12) was the first real conversation I've had with him in a few months. It was nice. And it was nice to see that he's not so scared of me anymore.

Someone else was there. A groupie whom I've seen at shows many times before. I call her the Psychoslut, because if you've got a penis and you have any connection at all to the music industry, she'll throw yourself at you. It doesn't matter if she's just met you, it doesn't matter if you're married. Trust me, I've seen her do it.

As I said, Psychoslut was there last week. She was with a guy, which sort of made me let my guard down. But I should have known that being there with another guy wouldn't stop her behavior. CG was kind of giving her the eye after the show. My jealous curiosity piqued, I did some cybersnooping after I got home that night.

It's been said that those who snoop find no good news, and this was no exception. Thanks to Zabasearch and her blog, I learned that a) they live within 5 blocks of each other and b) she's been to his apartment.

CG doesn't strike me as being the kind of guy who spends a lot of time thinking with his dick. Although as my ex-friend at the tax firm showed me, EVERY guy is capable of it. And I think EVERY guy has been guilty of doing it at some point. Depending on the circumstances I don't necessarily see it as a sin, just a human weakness. But after seeing the way he looked at her that night...

I wish there was something I could do to warn him. But if it comes from me, it's just going to look like I'm jealous. Which of course I am, but it's more than that. If he had fallen for some nice chick I would have been hurt, but I would have dealt with it. Not the Psychoslut. She's going to break his heart, and that's going to hurt me almost as much as it's going to hurt him. He's such a sweet guy, & he deserves so much better than someone who only cares about him because he's a performer.

But how can I compete? I couldn't be sexy if my life depended on it. I'm not ugly, but I'm certainly not at all beautiful. If he's already hooked on her there's no way I can lure him to me. Even if he's not hooked on her, there's no way I could lure him. I don't know how to lure. I think I was absent from school that day. All I can do is be nice and warm and supportive and caring. Which guys don't really give a damn about. All they care about is how hot you look and how good you are in bed.

I almost never go to movies, but I'm seriously thinking about seeing "The 40-Year-Old Virgin". In just 5 years, that's going to be me. Maybe I can pick up some tips.

I don't want to get laid just for the sake of getting laid. If/when I have sex, I want it to be with someone who cares about me. I want it to be special. That doesn't mean that I expect it to be perfect. I just want it to be kind and loving and respectful.

I wish there were a wiser older woman in my life who's been successful at love, someone whom I could turn to for advice. But then, at this stage in my life I think I'm beyond help.

So here's what else is going on in my life...The day after my last post, I got a call from one of the employment agencies I registered with: "You have a job at Famous Hospital starting tomorrow." I've been there ever since. Friday 8/19 was my one-month anniversary, or it would have been if I hadn't been deathly ill (long story).

I work in one of the many pediatric departments. The job is BUSY!!!! It's all I can do just to answer the phone & keep up with patient correspondence. But the people are nice and they LOVE me. I was actually the 4th temp they called in. And I'm still here a month later, so I must be doing something right.

I'm seriously thinking about abandoning the idea of finding a permanent job and just temping. The only times I ever get my heart broken are when I think that the guy I like could actually like me back. The only times I'm crushed about losing a job are when I think it's going to last and I won't have to look anymore. It'll suck not having health insurance, but I'll be a lot saner. And I'll have more time to write, which is something I've been meaning to do for a long time now. I actually went & bought myself a voice recorder.

In GAD/depression news, I weaned myself off Neurontin, re-started Namenda (currently up to 10 mgs), and I'm trying to kick Klonopin. It's just too addictive. I don't think doing benzos every day is a good idea for me.

That's about it from here. Further bulletins as events warrant. :)

Keep posting on GAD and your experience with Benzos. I am dealing with both myself.
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