It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, October 30, 2005

Some might blame my worrying on GAD, but I say there's a good reason for it--a hell of a lot of the time it's actually justified!

My job at Famous Hospital will soon be toast. A few weeks ago I noticed resumes floating around & very well-dressed people disappearing behind closed doors. I contacted the agency, who discreetly inquired to the office manager. The word that got back to me was that, yes, there was a possibility of my job becoming permanent, and that I should talk to my supervisor if I was interested.

The next day I did exactly that, much to the surprise of my supervisor. "Who told you that?" was her response when I said that my job might go perm & I should talk to her about it. (Mind you, some of those resumes I saw floating around were on her desk & on at least 2 occasions I saw her disappearing behind the closed doors with those well-dressed people.) She responded that she'd talk to the Head Nurse (what SHE has to do with hiring a clerical person, I have no idea) and the Bigshot Surgeon & then get back to me.

2 days later, she got back to me. According to her, the Big Administrative Head started recruiting for my job without telling my boss. (Yeah right, I suppose that's how the resumes ended up on your desk, honey.) The Bigshot Surgeon interviewed someone he liked & hired her. New person's start date is 11/14, which just HAPPENS to be approximately 2 weeks from when I first raised the issue with my boss. She claims she had no idea it was going on. Oh, PLEASE! How stupid do you think I am??

I left for lunch shortly after my boss dropped the bomb. On my way to the elevator, I ran into another job candidate who was looking for the Big Administrative Head. Then on Friday I came back from lunch just as ANOTHER candidate was being ushered in to be interviewed. (My boss very conveniently sent me on an errand.)

So...3 months of blowing smoke up my ass & telling me how great I was for nothing...

In other news, the Cute Guy has started his own blog, right here on this very site. I already posted a comment, but not as a Blogger member. None of my friends know about this blog. I reserve it strictly for the GAD community. Besides, if he ever read some of the posts here he'd know how much I like him and then he'd never talk to me again.

That's the way it is for me in life. The only time I get my heart broken is when I'm dumb enough to believe a guy I like could actually like me back. The only time I get upset over losing a job is when I like it & I actually hope it might last.

The Cute Guy is on a boat in the Bahamas right now. I just hope the hurricanes don't get him. I haven't seen him in about a month. And now that my finances are toast who knows when I'll see him again. I guess the consolation is that even if I did see him he wouldn't care. I made the mistake of telling him I was a wack job & now he thinks I'm a freak.

OK, since this is technically a blog about GAD I suppose I should talk a little bit about it. Right now my symptoms are acting up big time. I'm very tense and edgy, have been all day. And I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with me skipping meds over the weekend & me facing impending unemployment.

Yes, that's right. I skip meds on the weekends. Much as I'd like to stay medicated, I have to conserve. Forest is probably going to stop handing out sample packs of Namenda any day now. So unless by some miracle I actually have insurance when I run out, I'm gonna be up shit creek without a paddle. There's another glutamate inhibitor coming out soon, but who knows when my pdoc will get around to ordering samples. I have some neurontin left from the pdoc I had to ditch when I lost my job at Prestigious Institution, but that doesn't work as well as Namenda. I still take it 1-2 days out of the month when I have my period. (Not only is neurontin a glutamate inhibitor, it's also a painkiller.) Also, pregabalin has been out for a while. It's a GABA stimulator (which is sort of the converse to a glutamate inhibitor) and it's being marketed for diabetic neuropathy.

Sometimes I feel like the only person in America under the age of 50 who's on Namenda. And that frustrates me because 1) I can't talk to anyone about it because no one can relate, and 2) I wonder how many GAD sufferers there are out there who might be helped by Namenda and aren't because they don't know about it.

All I want out of life is a non-sucky job with benefits that pays me enough to live on and to fall in love with a nice guy who loves me back. Is that too much to ask?

I'm not suicidal, but sometimes I wish God would just take me. My talents and my brains are going to rot. My entire life is a waste. Just take me out & let someone else breathe the oxygen I'm using up.

I don't even want to think about how sucky Christmas is going to be. I have friends in North Carolina who are going through a rough time right now. Actually things have been rough ever since the Mom of the family died 3 years ago. I usually send them a care package every Christmas. Not this year. I was going to bake cookies for the Cute Guy. (He loves my cookies. He may not like me very much, but he likes my cookies. I'll take whatever I can get.) Sorry, no more money for food.

I realize this post doesn't have a neat & tidy ending, but it's late & I need to get to bed.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

First of all, thanks to Crin for your comment! Always nice to know someone out there is paying attention. :)

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, folks. Between being too busy to breathe during the week and too tired/depressed on the weekends to do ANYTHING, blogging's just been way low on my list of priorities.

I'm still working at Famous Hospital. We've been very understaffed this week, so it's been hell. Plus I worry about getting canned on a daily basis despite the fact that I've had nothing but positive feedback since I started.

That's about it from here. Well, no. Actually there's more, but I'm just too damn fried to type right now.

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