FORBIDDEN FRUIT

First of all, a word about my treatment status, for lack of a better term.

As I've mentioned previously, my asshole psychiatrist officially dumped me in the beginning of January. To make a very complicated story short, I've discovered that as a WTC survivor I am entitled to some free mental health treatment through the Red Cross. I've signed up for it, & I will be seeing the nice p-doc again starting 2/9.

More good news: I've got a job. A Real Job. With vacation & benefits & everything. I start tomorrow & I'm nervous. So I'm no longer working the job from hell at the newspaper. I'll talk more about my new job in another post.

And now to what's bugging me at the moment. I've spent more than a few posts talking about the Cute Guy. Well, I've come to the conclusion that he's just not going to warm up to me (even as a friend) no matter what I do.

Then there's CG's brother. Cute Brother is always happy to see me, has been known to initiate hugs with me, and actually responds to my emails when he's not swamped with his work. That's the good news. The bad news is he's got a girlfriend. In fact, he's had this girlfriend for years. I'm surprised they're not married by now.

And the sad thing is I am so lonely and so attention-starved that I eat up his thoughtful gestures even though I know they don't mean a damn thing. I sent him an email either yesterday or early today, I can't remember. (I had a legitimate reason for it, I wasn't just fishing.) He emailed me back this afternoon. I keep reading it over & over because he's so sweet & funny.

What's amazing is that he's nice to me despite the fact that I was so horribly mean to him when we first met. I was introduced to him the night I got fired from Prestigious Institution & spent a good part of the evening crying on CG's shoulder. Between that & the klonopin withdrawal I was such a nasty bitch for about a month, & unfortunately he kinda got caught up in that a little bit.

Afterwards I sent him an email apologizing to him for being so nasty. And while I didn't tell him the real reasons for my nastiness, I did tell him that those reasons had nothing to do with him. And you know what? HE FORGAVE ME!

I know this is never going to work. He's already taken. But it's better than nothing. I'm just so damn sick and tired of having to settle for better than nothing...
- posted by Pat @ 8:35 PM