It's a GAD GAD World
Monday, July 24, 2006
 
DEPRESSED. AS. FUCK.
Imagine going to your all-time favorite restaurant to eat your all-time favorite dish on the menu. But you've got a bitch of a head cold. Your nose is all stuffed up. The restaurant looks and sounds the same, the food looks delicious, but when you take a bite, it tastes like crap because your sense of smell is shot to hell.

Welcome to depression. Nothing in my life looks appealing anymore. I could have gone to a music friend's gig tonight, but I blew it off because I had to pee & going back to Port Authority's public restroom was more appealing. I don't even miss the gig. Or the person who's doing it. How fucked up is that?

Every day I go to work & come home. Surf the net, sack out on the couch, take a nap. Wake up, take a shower. Pop a sleeping pill, go to bed. That's my entire life. Same shit, different week. Every week. And I'm 36. This is how I'm going to spend the rest of my miserable pitiful life because I don't have the energy to do anything else.

No one will ever know that underneath this worthless gray cloud of nothingness is a wickedly funny, amazingly compassionate, FUCKING intelligent human being. What a waste my life is. What a waste *I* am. Why the hell did I survive 9/11? I should have died instead of some firefighter in Staten Island with 9 kids. No one would have missed me.

I'm sorry this wasn't too coherent, but I felt the need to try & stay current with this blog.

Saw my p-doc on Thursday. Told her to take her Zoloft & shove it. We're now trying a mix of Namenda & neurontin. Today was my first day. Judging from the tone of what I wrote above, it hasn't worked yet.

I think I'm going to lie on the couch & stare at the ceiling till it's time to take a shower & go to bed.

Comments:
hey, i dont know you, but i am sure people will miss you if anything happened to you...it would matter...and i hope stuff gets a little better for you. I know how the anxiety/depression stuff feels...
 
Pat,

Found and read your entire blog archive today. Can't say it was "fun", but it was very compelling.

I also rely on meds alone (including a sizable daily dose of effexor -- eek!). I don't enjoy psychotherapy (who does?), but I believe it is the only way to get past some of the issues that haunt us. Is your newish p-doc doing any talking, or just writing scripts?
 
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