MY STOMACH HURTS...
...That's what Charlie Brown always used to say when he was in a stressful situation. Actually, Charlie Brown is a pretty good model for GAD. Wishy washy, lies awake at night worrying about stupid inconsequential shit, down on himself because nobody likes him, loves someone (the little red-haired girl) with all his heart but can't bring himself to even talk to her. But I digress...

I went into work today & sat down at my desk. The 3 head honchos were behind closed doors having a conversation with the director of HR (my boss). They were discussing positions they were about to advertise.

At some point my name came up. I obviously couldn't hear everything, but I don't think it was good. I'm not going to spell out specific details here, but I think I'm going to be fired. And I think it's going to be tomorrow.

Again, I'm not going to spell out specific details. But to be fair...what I heard wasn't irrefutable proof that they're going to can me, but it didn't sound good.

It never fails. Every time I believe that things are going to be better, they inevitably become worse. Is it any wonder I'm a pessimist? It's because I always end up being punished for being an optimist. I felt so happy and useful at Famous Hospital, & they let me go. I felt I had a good rapport with the CPA, and he let me go for failing to flip off a light switch. I thought Prestigious Institution was going to turn my life around, I busted my ass to get a grip on that job despite being thrown to the wolves, and I got fired for lack of initiative.

It's not even the thought of leaving School of Style that upsets me. After all the temping and firing I've been through, I've learned not to be too attached to one workplace. It's that I'm going to have to jump on the same goddamned gerbil wheel again. Re-doing my resume (again!). Scanning craigslist & all the other websites every fucking day. Having my Sunday revolve around the NY Times. Filing for unemployment and all the stress associated with that.

The really shitty thing is that I honestly believed I could make a difference there. There are departments at the school that desperately need my assistance, but I'm not allowed to help them because I have to stay chained to a fucking desk. They say there's no money in the budget to create a new position for me. I'm currently being paid a salary. That money has to come from somewhere. Why can't they just take that money out of whatever pot it's currently in and stick it in the pot of a place that needs me?

Well, tomorrow's probably going to be my last day of work. I'll try to get through it without throwing my dignity out the window. At least it's hot enough outside for me to pretend that my tears are actually sweat.

I spent my lunch hour talking with one of the folks in the counseling center. As a result I forgot to take my neurontin. I came home, fixed dinner, & promptly fell asleep on the couch. I just took some remeron about 20 minutes ago. So hopefully that will put me to sleep too.
- posted by Pat @ 9:41 PM