It's a GAD GAD World
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Hello to all my fellow wack jobs out there. The email address I used to sign up for this blog has just gone belly-up. I've changed the address, but I'm not sure that it's working. So I need your help.

If you're reading this post, please post a comment. It doesn't have to be anything, it can just be a bullshit comment. I usually get email notification when someone posts a comment, so if you do that, I want to make sure I get notified. Fear not, I will reject any posts that are obviously just for the sake of testing the system, so you needn't worry that your bullshit will reside here in cyberspace for all eternity. And of course if you really do have something to say, I'll post it. That is, if it gets through.

And to Anonymous, thanks for your response. I'm sorry I didn't say something sooner. I hope that you're in a safe situation now.

Now that the housecleaning is out of the way, back to my regularly scheduled life.

On 9/11/01 I was one of the lucky people who made it out of the World Trade Center. And five years later I'll be damned if I know why. I've often said on this blog that I didn't understand why I was chosen to survive. At the time I told myself that whatever it was that I was put on this earth to do, I simply hadn't done it yet, and that was why I was spared. But today, I still haven't figured out what that purpose is. Five years later I still haven't accomplished anything significant in my life. I hold a low-level job (because my craziness won't allow me to do anything more responsible) at a not-so-prestigious institution. I don't make a lot of money. (Again, due to my craziness--low-responsibility jobs tend not to pay that well.) I can't pursue my love of music as much as I could 5 years ago because my stupid drug regimen makes it almost impossible for me to stay out late, and by "late" I mean past 9pm. I have few friends. I've completely given up on trying to find love. I have nothing to offer a man. I don't do anything interesting, I'm not young or beautiful, and I'm obviously not wealthy. I no longer have a family, and thanks to my meds, my age, my financial status, and my complete and utter inability to attract a man, I will never have children.

So why am I here? Why am I even alive?

Speaking of "family", I went into work on Tuesday & got a nasty surprise. (I stayed home from work on 9/11. That's a sacred day to me.) The first thing I do when I get to work is turn on whatever computer terminal I'm sitting at & check my work email. There was a message from my mother. She'd sent it the day before--9/11. In fact, 9-11 was the subject header of her email.

Now remember, this is the woman who sent me a postcard for my birthday letting me know that the two dogs we had at the time she threw me out were no longer alive. And then she sends me an email at my WORK ADDRESS on NINE FUCKING ELEVEN to tell me that she hopes I'll come back before she and my father are gone.

First of all, the fact that my mother actually has an email account is nothing short of scary. This woman is so technically challenged that it's not even funny. The one time I tried to demonstrate the concept of email she was so hopelessly confused that I gave up. And this is someone with 2 college degrees! Secondly, the fact that she sent her email to my work address couldn't have been an accident. I only have 2 acquaintances outside of work who know my worke email address, and neither of them would know how to find my mother. It does come up on a Google search, so maybe she did something smart for a change and googled me. But she did that just to let me know that she knows where I work. Bitch.

Thirdly, while she made it sound like she wanted to reconcile, that's bullshit. If that were her goal, she wouldn't have waited until 9/11 to send me an email. And the part about wanting to hear from me before she & my father are gone? Again, pure bullshit. My parents are in their early 60s and in good health. Barring a major traffic accident or something, they're not going to be "gone" anytime soon. The bitch just wanted to kick me on a day when she knew I'd be down.

Well, she failed. First of all, as I already said, I didn't see the email till 9/12. Secondly, my work account has a Block Sender option. And believe me, I put it to use. And finally, if she EVER tries to call me at work...I've got caller ID on my work phone.

My computer just crashed, & I want to finish this post before it crashes again. So that's the end of this rant.

Here's my bullshit comment.
Just wanted to say that I empathize with you. Moms and Dads...geez, some people are breeders and others have them for the right reasons. I just wish I knew why I am here.
Tigers, they say, eat their young sometimes. Its over mercifully quick that way, but ...humans tear their kids apart and dissect them in a thousand different ways.
I have learned to forgive them, and am trying to forge ahead with my future. Its not fun...the kind of psychological baggage I've got, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Fortunately, We travel through time in a linear fashion- whats done is done. It is not easy, but learning to "let go" can be very liberating. You are here and for what it is worth... i Thank You for being a real authentic person!!
It takes alot of bravery to express your feelings and share yourself with others out here in the 'Net.
Thank You So Much,
Newbie Ann-ona Mouse
Hi! Geez people can be so screwed up- Tigers they say, eat their young sometimes; its over fast that way. People should have to be screened in oder to have children, you know.Like a license to drive a damn car!! To go through the first 20 years of life being chopped up and re-arranged to someone elses liking. It totally reeks!!
I can't say that I have walked a mile in your moccasins exactly, but have traveled the same path. I "Thank You" for having the bravery to share yourself on this blog site. I am new to the 'Net- having had little funds for niceties like a PC or a internet service.
Wishing you healing and resolution,
Plain Jane
Hi! Thank you for being brave enough to share yourself out here on the 'Net! ( I am a newbie- no dinero = no PC or PC service.)
To me, it seems that you have a lot of heart- expressing yourself so honestly!! Too many people use the smoke, mirrors and avoidance thing to stay away from the "bad stuff" they call it. Truth isn't easy, but authentic people deal with it by confronting it. Parents can be totally destructive ( been there, done that). Praying for You!!
just posting a bullshit comment to test the system
Hello- Just trying to respond, maybe it'll work this time. Parents can be such a a pain in the ass....don't I know it. My family put the DYS in dysfunction. Geez! I can't say that I know exactly how you feel...haven't walked a mile in your shoes, but we're on the same path. Thank you for being brave enough to share!
Hey Pat!

I found you blog because I work at the GAD - Government Actuary's Department! I receive notification whenever something gets published with the word 'GAD' in it.

So you hate your parents? It's kinda sad for that to happen, because in some ways you're hating yourself as a result. Much as we like to think of ourselves as individuals we're products of our environment too, we're only who we are because of other people. Our parents have the most influence on us, and being able to reconcile your emotions with your parents will make it easier to reconcile your self with yourself.

Though I know this, I can't really talk as I think my mother is a twit at times, so am I saying I think I am a twit? Yes, sometimes!

Your p-doc doesn't sound like she knows stuff all.
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