I DID IT!
Sorry it took me a couple of days to post this. I was exhausted after I got home Monday (the day of my appt), & I went out last night & didn't get back until late.

Here's how the whole thing went down:

3:40pm: I arrived at the office for my 4pm appt.

4:10pm: P-doc's secretary came out & said the p-doc needs "just 10 more minutes".

4:30pm: Receptionist at the desk asked me how much longer I'd been asked to wait. I replied, "About 20 minutes ago I was told I'd have to wait 10 minutes." Receptionist got up & went to where the p-doc was, apologizing profusely. I said, "It's not your fault." Which it wasn't.

4:35: Receptionist told me I could go into the p-doc's office & sit down. I entered the room and sat alone.

4:40: P-doc walked in. "Hi, how are you?" Before I could even open my mouth to respond, she was calling for her secretary to bring her some soy milk. She said to me, "I haven't had anything to drink since this morning. How are you?"

"I'll wait until you get your soy milk."

The secretary walked in with 2 different types of soy milk. After a 2-3 minute discussion over which soy milk the p-doc wanted, Secretary walked out & we were finally alone. Again she asked, "So how are you?"

I started to speak. "Over the past few months I've become increasingly uncomfortable--"

"Wait, let me get a pen so I can take notes."

I reached into my bag, pulled out a squirt gun, & shot her twice. Right between the eyes.

"What are you doing?!"

"I'd like you to listen to me, please."

"I'm listening!"

"No, you're not! You're looking for a pen, you're rummaging all over your desk, you're drinking your soy milk, you've got 20 million different things going on. Every fucking appointment I have with you, you do this."

P-doc finally stopped moving and looked at me.

"As I was saying, I've been growing increasingly uncomfortable, frustrated, disgusted, and angry over the way you've been managing my treatment. As much as I would love to tell you to go fuck yourself, walk out of here, and never come back, my financial situation & my insurance situation will not allow me to do that."

P-doc opened her mouth. I waved the squirt gun at her, not firing it. She closed her mouth.

"So from now on, I want to set some ground rules. Rule number one: You are NEVER doing any lab work on me ever AGAIN! If there's something going on that you think needs to be checked out, I will contact my PCP and she will do whatever lab work needs to be done. But you are not doing it."

"Which leads me to number two. I don't rely on my dentist to tell me when to get a Pap smear [THANK YOU JANE!], and I will not rely on you to tell me how to manage my cholesterol, which is fine, by the way, or my weight. While my weight may not be what YOU think it should be, I am physically healthy. HEALTHY! And I have the labs to prove it. If and when a problem develops that is directly attributable to my weight, I will take steps under the guidance of my PCP to resolve the problem. Not you. If YOU have a problem with the size of my ass, you can kiss it!"

"Number three, if you can't be on time for an appointment, I would appreciate it if you would please refrain from attempting to bullshit with me. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't mind having a nice friendly adult conversation with you. But what you utterly fail to realize is that by the time I've been cooling my heels in your office for 30, 60, even 90 minutes, I don't want to waste my time bullshitting. I want to come in here, I want to get my issues on the table, I want to get my meds and my prescriptions if I need them, & I want to get the hell out of here and go home. If you want to spend time talking to me, then you're going to have to do a better job of managing your time."

"Finally, I'd appreciate it if you'd please stop talking about other patients in front of me. I don't want to hear about penises [she has a pt who likes to expose himself], I don't want to hear about rashes [she has another pt who's convinced she has a throat rash]. Not only is it highly unprofessional, but this is not what the Red Cross & my insurance company are paying you to do. I realize that because of circumstances that are beyond your control, it's difficult for you to focus on anything for 20-30 minutes. But during your appointments, your mind should be on the patient in front of you, and not on all of your other patients."

"Now, since I know you have the attention span of a gnat & can't retain anything for longer than 10 minutes, I've written these rules down for you." I rummaged into my bag for the printout. "My name doesn't appear anywhere on this, so I would suggest that you place this somewhere prominent where you'll see it every day. Because if you're pulling this crap on me, you're probably pulling it on your other patients too. And WE. DESERVE. BETTER."

I handed her the paper. I picked up my backpack. And walked out the door. She never said a word to me. By 4:45pm I was back on the street headed for home.

But before I left the office I scheduled an appt for February with one of the nurse practitioners in the office. I'll ask her advice as to what I should do next. And we'll go from there.

So whaddaya think, people? Are you proud of me?
- posted by Pat @ 7:30 PM