It's a GAD GAD World
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Thanks Jane for your comments. I only published one, since the other was just an abridged version of the first.

Some people get headaches under stress. Some people experience muscle tension. I experience what I euphemistically call "gastrointestinal episodes". Lucky me.

Since Monday I've made 4 phone calls to 3 different p-docs. The one doc I actually talked to seemed abrupt & she was kind of expensive. The other 2 haven't called me back.

I'd give anything for a grilled cheese sandwich right now. Maybe some cheesy bread from Domino's. I just want some tasty carbs with enough fat in them to taste good. Except if I wanted grilled cheese I'd have to haul my ass somewhere to buy the cheese, then I'd have to make the damn sandwich. And I don't even have the energy for that. Tonight's dinner was a bowl of instant oatmeal topped off with a piece of chocolate cake mushed in with the dregs of some ice cream. The thought of actually cooking something, even if it's just mac & cheese, is just too much for me.

But I still get hungry. So I eat junk because it's the first thing I find that I can shove into my mouth.

I'm sorry. I'm not making any sense at the moment. I'm not very sane right now, & I won't be sane until I get this p-doc crap straightened out. So don't be angry if I don't blog much, or if I blog with too much inconsequential crap. My head is not working properly.

Monday, February 19, 2007
As I may have previously mentioned, I had a 4-day weekend this weekend. (Friday & Monday off)

I was really looking forward to it, because the stress of the job was starting to get to me. There's no point in hashing out the details, I just have too much to do and too little time in which to do it.

But I haven't been able to relax this entire weekend. Not at all. Andd it's all because of what transpired on Friday between myself and the nurse-practitioner who works out of my p-doc's office.

And this is the only place I can talk about it. I've tried calling my friend the counselor several times over the wknd, she hasn't returned my calls. Tried talking to my teacher-friend, she said, "I don't know what to tell you." And nobody here has responded to any of my blogs over the weekend. It's like I'm shouting into the wind.

I'm actually thinking about contacting my former p-doc (the asshole who dumped me) and asking him for a referral.

Gotta go. My phone's ringing.

Saturday, February 17, 2007
This site is similar to , only it's for docs & not profs.

I've been contemplating the possibility of biting the financial bullet & just getting another p-doc. So I went to the website & was going to post a notice saying I was looking for a p-doc in NYC & could anyone give me a suggestion? I never did that post because I found a post that listed the RateMDs website.

Just for the hell of it I looked up my current p-doc. Lo and behold, there were several negative comments about her, all of which pretty much made the same complaints about her that I did.

In the immortal words of REO Speedwagon, I believe it's time for me to fly.

Friday, February 16, 2007
...and I get to hold my breath for another fucking month to find out if I've just hit Strike Two.

Had the appt with the t-doc today. This person is a nurse practitioner who works out of the same office as my p-doc (the one I chewed out last month). She can write prescriptions for some meds, but not all.

I don't know where to begin. The appt wasn't all bad, but it wasn't all good. She listened patiently to what I had to say, but when she asked me what meds I was taking & I showed her the list, she gasped. Apparently she thought it was a ridiculously long list. Please, I've seen people on crazyboards with med lists twice as long and sometimes up to triple the dosages I'm taking.

The second bad part is that because I ripped my p-doc a new ass last month, she's apparently thinking about terminating our professional relationship as well. So the way the t-doc & I left it was that she was going to discuss things with the p-doc & I get to find out at my next appt whether I have to start hunting for a new p-doc.

And people wonder why I'm not more assertive...

This ALWAYS happens to me! Every time I try to stand up for myself & say, "I don't deserve X, I deserve Y", I ALWAYS get punished. I stood up to my parents for treating me like a worthless piece of shit, and they kicked me out of the house. I stood up to my boss (at another college I've never mentioned here) for being dishonest & unethical, and I ended up losing my job AND my apartment at the same time.

Why does doing the right thing and standing up for what you believe in have to hurt so much? And why does it have to cost so much?

This should have been a good day. I had a day off from work today, I managed to score a ton of coupons from the garbage piles along the block of my p-doc's office (yes, I'm a trash digger--so pathetic!), and I reunited after my appt with a friend I hadn't seen in 2 years. Instead I'm shitting bricks over whether I'm ever going to get another prescription ever again.

Work is getting crazy too. I am so overwhelmed. Plus we've got this stupid training shit that I have to go to on Wednesday. Like I don't have enough to do. I even tried to go into work today (since I was in the city anyway), but the doors were locked & I couldn't get in.

Another housecleaning favor, people? If you're reading this blog, post a comment, even if it's just a bullshit comment. I was recently FORCED by Blogger to update to the new one, & to make a long story short, it's fucking with my email accounts. I need posts so I can see where they're going when you've posted them. I even tried to post a comment myself, but y'know the part where it says type the letters you see in the space below? I didn't see any letters to type. It's taken about an hour of frustrated searching just for me to be able to log on to post.

Thanks, people.

Sunday, February 11, 2007
Well folks, the honeymoon is over. I am no longer feeling good & I am back to my usual mopey-anxious self.

Mind you, I am not depressed as fuck. I am not stressed to the gills. I'm just back to my normal way of being.

I have no fucking clue why I am back to where I am. And I have no fucking clue why I got happy in the first place. Believe me, if I did, I could save a lot of money on psych meds and maybe I really could tell my p-doc to go fuck herself.

Speaking of my p-doc, my appointment with the t-doc is Friday. It will be the first time I've set foot in the office since I chewed my p-doc like a bulldog with a bone. This will be interesting. And hopefully, productive.

In other news, did anyone watch 60 Minutes tonight? Didja see the piece on the mentally ill prisoners who died of thirst & starvation in the Michigan prison system? And people wonder why I'm in the crazy closet.

I'm such a fucking hypocrite. Back in college I knew this guy who was gay. (Keep in mind that this was in rural Pennsylvania about 15 years ago.) He was the first person I ever knew to be gay & when I saw how scared & closeted he was, I stood up for him when he was too scared to stand up for himself. He's out & proud now, & I like to think that I had something to do with that fact.

So why can't I come out of my own closet? Why can't I stand up for myself? Part of it, I guess, is that I don't feel the need to ram personal information about myself in everybody's face. And then, there's the fact that I *have* spoken up on certain occasions. I guess maybe I think that I shouldn't play the crazy card until there's a need to do so. Like when somebody makes a stupid remark about crazy people. Or when I'm asked to speak in front of a group of medical students. God, I wish I could do that again. I've tried reaching out to the prof who teaches the class, but I've gotten no response.

Again, no neat & tidy ending. But the Grammys are on. ROOOOOOOOOOOXXANNNNE!!! :)

Powered by Blogger