It's a GAD GAD World
Friday, March 02, 2007
After 16 phone calls to 13 different mental health providers, I have a new p-doc.

I won't be meeting with her until April 2. And I haven't even spoken to her yet, I set up everything with one of her clerical people. But I finally have one.

My next appt with the n-p who works out of my current p-doc's office is March 14. Right now my plan is not to say anything about the new p-doc. I'll just go in & pretend everything's fine & dandy. And hopefully get some prescriptions because I'm running low on doxepin & Xanax. That way, if my current p-doc doesn't terminate the relationship & the new p-doc doesn't work out, I can always go back. And if the new p-doc works out, so much the better.

I'd write more, but I've just hit depression city. I'm becoming more and more convinced that the depression & the anxiety are related. There's even some scientific evidence to suggest that depression may be a rebound from anxiety.

Sorry, I've got to quit now. My brain just isn't working anymore.

Hi Congrats on finding another p-doc, thats a good strategy on the meds with the NP! You are very perseptive about the anxiety and the depression. I finally figured out that the suppressed anger is whats depressing me. I need to get it out, if I don't, then it manifests itself as depression.(Exercise- punching bags are great!) I feel powerless to express myself at times, like paralyzed b/c of the anxiety. Then I eat my damn anxiety (chocolate) or my loneliness. If I blow my stack( even righteously), and vent- then somehow I get slammed for it. (like you with the p-doc)
Mine goes back to (no violins here, just the ugly truth),my childhood. Where I used to get the living $^%& beaten out of me for regular childish stuff, or be ignored. Its easy when there are 4 others to worry about- the youngest isn't a concern.
I was not allowed to defend myself- thats called talking back, and then you really get IT. Maybe its anxiety that I am about to be "disciplined", or judged ( my dad was supercritical of me), or hurt, or whatever, something bad anyhow. It inhibits my function in the world. And then I get more angry b/c I can't be just "normal" like other people. Then I start feeling more anxiety b/c I know I am a freak. Its like a dog chasing its tail. Let me off the damn merry-go-round. I've had it, I quit.....I'm taking my toys and leaving the freakin' sandbox to play somewhere else. Better to be ignored than to get your A#% kicked.I just want to get past the old baggage and get on with my life! Take care of yourself, Pat. Hang in there!
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