THE BIG NIGHT--NOT!!
I had typed out almost the entire entry when my computer crashed. So I am not happy right now. Not that I was happy to begin with.

So the Cute Guy's big off-Broadway debut was tonight. And no, I never did lose any weight for the event. But that doesn't mean I didn't try to make an impression. And that doesn't mean that I didn't fail miserably.

I picked out my outfit a week in advance. I wore a black-and-maroon print blouse with a low-cut neck, with a necklace to accentuate the low-cut. I did my nails in a matching maroon color. Then I added a sexy black short skirt that I bought three years ago but never wore until tonight with matching black pantyhose and some wicked four-inch platform heels. This was important because CG is barely 5 feet tall. If I had the chance to stand up next to him I wanted to tower over him.

So the big day comes & I kill 8 hours at work doing absolutely nothing. (My boss took the day off & I didn't have anything important lined up.) Then it's time for me to get ready. I washed my face in the ladies' room & completely re-did my makeup. I even wore eyeliner, which I NEVER do because I usually end up looking like a raccoon. But I've been practicing for the past 3 weekends, so I was fairly confident I could do it without looking like a Rocky Horror reject. Then I got into my short sexy skirt & pantyhose.

Now--here's the moment when I knew how the night was going to end up. I was walking down the street on my way to the theater. I was rummaging through my purse trying to find something when someone behind me says:

"Excuse me, sir. You dropped something."

Admittedly, this is not the first time I've been addressed as "sir". It is, however, the first time I've been called that while wearing a skirt.

I give up. I just totally fucking give up. I was as dressed up as I could possibly be, and I STILL get mistaken for a guy! All I want is to know what it's like to be a woman before I'm too old. I'll never be a real woman. Never.

I am living proof that big breasts mean nothing. How can someone with 40DD breasts still be mistaken for a man? I am also living proof that sexual orientation is not a conscious choice. Because if I could be a lesbian, I could get laid like THAT! *snaps her fingers*

All I want is to be a normal woman in a normal relationship with a normal guy. But this will never happen. And I will go to my grave never knowing this basic fundamental part of human existence.

For the record, I did see the Cute Guy briefly. Part of the show shtick involves the cast members mingling with the audience before the show starts. He said hello, I mumbled something in response. And I was seated at the time, so I never got the chance to tower over him.

Maybe I don't deserve to be a real woman. Maybe somewhere in my life I've done something so horrible that now God is punishing me.

I just wish I didn't have this insatiable need to connect with someone. I wish I could just rip it out of my body & be done with it. I wish I could be neutered like an animal. Then I wouldn't care so much about being alone in the world.

I'm going to post now before the computer kicks me off again. And then I think I'm going to cry myself to sleep.
- posted by Pat @ 11:54 PM