It's a GAD GAD World
Saturday, October 13, 2007
OK, so here's the info I promised in my last post.

Seems that my former p-doc (the asshole research guy, NOT the White Russian) will be giving a public lecture next month. I am seriously considering going. Not to rip him a new ass, but to hear what he has to say in his lecture. And while I don't plan to initiate a conversation with him, if he tries to talk to me I'm going to see if I have it in me to remain civil.

WHY, you ask. Why the hell would I go within 100 yards of a guy who 1) recklessly put me on a drug that enabled me to understand why depressed people kill themselves, and 2) kicked me to the curb twice, once in the middle of a relapse and once actually inducing a relapse? Why would I do something so crazy?

Well, first of all, I *am* crazy. :) Secondly, it's all part of this self-improvement plan I'm trying out for myself this year. I'm reading this book called Fat, Broke, and Lonely No More. I can't remember the author's name off the top of my head, but her first name is Victoria if you want to try & look it up somewhere. (I suppose I could just get off my lazy ass and walk 5 steps across my apartment to look at the book, but that would take too much work. :P ) As I'm typing this I'm thinking her last name might be Moran.

ANYWAY...the book is all about how our culture teaches us that being fat, broke, and/or lonely is the absolute worst thing that could happen to us and how we all do destructive things because of this fear. Like living at the gym (or, like me, living in denial) instead of living your life. Using retail therapy to fill the spiritual void inside you. Dating and hooking up with losers because we think it's better than sitting home alone on the weekends. You get the idea.

So, at the end of every chapter there's an action that the reader is expected to take before preceding onto the next chapter. A while ago I finished a chapter and the action was to do the impossible. Basically, the idea is that we have to do the things we think we can't do, the things we're afraid to do, the things we think are impossible to do, before we can grow and heal ourselves and improve our lives.

The directive only says to do one thing. But my life has been stuck in a rut for so long that I've decided to make a project out of this. I made a list of "Impossible Things" for me to do, divided by the 3 categories of Fat, Broke, and Lonely; and I'm going to spend the next year trying to do them.

Under the category of "Lonely" I decided that I should make a point of reaching out to the people I've cut out of my life because they pissed me off so horribly. Not because I want to go crawling back to them, not because I want the chance to rip them apart, but just to be civil and be done with it. If anything more than civility in that one encounter occurs, that's gravy. But it's not the goal.

I have been hurt so deeply by so many people for so long that it has seriously damaged my ability to trust. I have spent such a big part of my life walking around with my guard up waiting for the next blow to my face and ready at a moment's notice to run as fast as possible from the person who dealt the blow. What I'm very slowly beginning to understand is that EVERYONE I form a close relationship with is going to hurt me at some point. Not necessarily because they're cruel and they want to hurt me, but because people are human and they make mistakes and getting hurt is a fact of life. The damn difficult thing (for me, anyway) is recognizing the difference between a person who's being cruel or insensitive and a person who's just being a fallible human.

So that's why I'm reaching out to the asshole. I have no agenda. If he talks to me, I will try my best to be civil. And we'll see what happens.

Under the category of Fat, one of the things I listed was "Go without sugar/refined carbs for a day". Lately I've noticed that if I eat more than a few bites of something sweet, I feel sluggish afterwards. So I figured an occasional sugar purge would do me good. I tried it for the first time on Tuesday. I ate my normal breakfast of grape juice (just enough to swallow my meds), Cheerios with fat-free milk & a banana. My plan was to not eat anything sugar/carbish again until breakfast the next morning.

It wasn't until I got to work that morning that I realized I'd forgotten to carry my weekly bag of baby carrots, which I'd planned to nosh on during the day along with reduced-fat Triscuits (those are whole-grain carbs, NOT refined) and nuts. So I spent the day trying to limp along on Triscuits & nuts, with a can of Progresso light Vegetable and Noodle soup for lunch.

About 12:30 I caved and ate a cupcake. (Not the bakery kind that are the size of a small planet, a regular-size cupcake that you might bake at home.) I caved again around 4pm and ate a candy bar. And by the time I got home I said the hell with it and ate like I normally do. The times when I caved were the only times during the day when I DIDN'T feel hungry.

All I can say is, God help me if I become diabetic. I'm going to try sugar-purging again, once a week until I can get it right. There is NO WAY I could do this indefinitely, but I can do it for a day. Or at least try.

Hello. Are you me?? Do I have another personality which takes over and blogs?

You're hilarious, very self aware and and definately sound female to me. Female, female, female! (if that helps any) And funny. Did I mention you're funny??

My name is Anne, I'm from Australia and I live with GAD too. Thanks so much for your blog. I will read with avid interest!
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