It's a GAD GAD World
Saturday, November 10, 2007
So this is the 2nd consecutive night I've been wide awake at 2am, mainly beccause I try not to take my Ambien if I don't necessarily have to be up early the next morning.

And for the past 2 nights my thoughts have been consumed by the thought I don't want to say it's just that. It's more than that, it's the desire to touch another human being.

He is faceless, nameless. And over and over in my mind I feel myself touching him. Stroking his face, running my fingers through his hair, snuggling against his arm. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself because this is the same damn fantasy I've had since puberty and for nearly 30 years, it's remained little more than a fantasy.

What do I have to do?? I don't know how to get past this. This is all I've ever wanted ever since I was old enough to want it, and at this point I realize that barring a major miracle, I'll never have it. What did I do wrong? Why don't I deserve the same as what nearly everyone else on the planet has experienced at least once in his/her lifetime. To quote the Saw Doctors, "To win just once would be enough."

I hate myself. I HATE MYSELF!! I'm such a loser. I think I'm a failure because I've never accomplished anything worthwhile in my life. And then I think well, I ought to go out and accomplish something, then. And then 1) I can't think of anything to accomplish, and 2) I realize even if I could think of something I wouldn't be able to do it because it takes all my strength & energy just to get off the damn couch every morning and go to work 5 days a week.

And some of you (if any of you are still reading by this point, which I seriously doubt because I've made several posts in the past few weeks and none of them have generated any response) might say, "Well then, just getting out of bed & going to work is what you're accomplishing, so be proud of that." Nobody wins any awards or earns any recognition just for getting out of bed in the morning. I don't want to be famous, but I want to be important. I want to be somebody. I want to matter. Because then maybe if I mattered I wouldn't be tossing and turning at 2am wondering what it would be like to touch a guy wherever and however I wanted without him objecting.

Hello there, Brisbane girl again. I only work 3 days a week. And I even complain about that. My goodness we're similar. I write in a diary occasionally and wrote something similar last year which i titled 'Insomniacs shouldn't drink coffee'. Don't beat yourself over the head about the sex thing - let every glossy magazine on the newstands do that for you (insert tired smile here). It will happen... A tip from my 'unsolicited advice for others' file: You can't predict the future...for all you know this time next week HE might show up. At least while it's not happening you're still in control of it....(believe that or not). Take care of you because I love to read your blogs and check them regularly. Nancy's Got Antsies in her Pantsies.
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