It's a GAD GAD World
Saturday, December 01, 2007
I went to a gig tonight. As gigs go, it was pretty cool and social. I stopped at McDonald's before the gig to hit the ATM and ran into a musician friend who was on his way to the same gig. So we walked over to the venue together. He didn't sit with me though.

Then I ended up sharing a table with 2 people who turned out to be friends with one of the band members. So I hung with the band member for a bit. Then the band did their thing, and all was cool. Then I hung out with the band member & some more of his friends at the bar next door while I waited for my friend to make it to the bar from across town. While I was there I ran into another musician friend whom I hadn't seen in years--literally.

All in all, it was a good night with good music & good conversation. So why do I feel so empty now?

Now for the bad news. I don't want to go into detail, but I've just learned that I am being SERIOUSLY low-balled at work, salary-wise. I'm not supposed to know this, but I do. I'm leaning closer to leaving. I don't want to leave. As of today, I have tied my record for longest amount of time spent at the same job. I've established myself. And for the most part, I like the people I work with.

But there are things I was promised I could do if hired, and those promises have gone unfulfilled. And my insurance won't cover the cost of my psycho treatment. And I am REALLY getting screwed on my salary. To the point where I feel violated. And I'm doing more work for basically the same amount of money.

Should I stay or should I go? I just don't know. I spent this morning looking up comparable positions at other colleges. Some colleges don't post their salaries. But of the ones that do, ALL of them would pay better than what I'm currently earning.

On a different note, here's the good news. I went to a World Trade Center fair this week. It's basically a forum for people to talk about the research they've done on victims & survivors & such. I found out that there's a program at Bellevue that I might be eligible for. So I called them this morning & I've got an appointment in January.

Speaking of the morning...I decided this week that I was going to try upping my doxepin back to 75 mgs. The bad news is that my appetite came back with a vengeance, and that within 1/2 an hour of taking it I was basically dead to the world. But I took 75 mgs last night after my horrible day, was sound asleep by 8pm, and then when I woke up this morning at 5:45am I was wide awake & ready to roll. And I actually got shit done. I can't remember the last morning when that happened.

God, I wish I had someone to hold me right now. I just don't want to be alone. I'm not looking for sex, I just want the warmth and comfort of another human being. I'm tired of fighting all my battles alone. I just want someone in my corner.

Hi Pat,

You're good. You sound good. I probably would have found out about the salary thing and would have done the first thing which came to mind which most likely would be to FLIP OUT and calmly and rationally (not) told them where they could shove their job....then gone into hysterics about 'suddenly' being unemployed. Having someone to hold is such a nice's why I've got two cats. Sometimes, in my experience, being in a relationship where the expectation is that person will support you and then finding the reality is that you're just as alone as when you're single can be devestating. He is coming soon. He has to. When you least expect it. He might not fill ALL the gaps, but a few less holes in the soul can't be a bad thing. My favourite saying is this 'for every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it'. That means you.
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