WAR & PEACE & LIFE & DEATH
A while back someone posted a comment on this blog that said something to the effect of, "I wouldn't want to be around you, either." I tend to be a lot more miserable and mopey here than I am in my daily life because this is the place where I get all the shit out. My anonymity allows this to be the one place where I can say how I really feel. And sometimes getting feelings out helps to eliminate them & help me function. Spring cleaning for the psyche, if you will.

I'm going to say some things in this post that are really selfish and horrible. I know that they're selfish and horrible, nobody needs to point that out to me, OK? I'm saying these things because very soon I'm going to be writing a very difficult letter, and I don't want what I write in this letter to be clouded by my selfish horrible feelings. So here's where I'm going to let it out. Got it?

I'll get to the selfish stuff in a minute. Let's talk war & peace for a minute. First, the peace. About a month ago I attended an event emceed by the Cute Guy. This is an event I attend regularly and I've mentioned it in the blog before. I don't go because CG emcees it, I go because I'm interested in the event.

Anyway, one of the things CG does regularly at this event is give trivia questions to the audience, then tosses some sort of goodie to whoever can shout out a correct answer. His questions have been kind of lame for the past few years, so the night before the event I emailed him some questions along with the answers. He emailed me back almost immediately saying that they were really good. Then during the event he used them. And at the end of the event he thanked me onstage.

We didn't actually see each other that night, and there's been no communication between us since. But it's nice to know that after all the shit that's transpired between us we can be civilized towards each other.

Recently I read an article that said that 90% of men are married by the age of 40. The author (whose name I don't remember) pointed out that once you eliminated gays & convicted felons, that's virtually the entire male population. Her point was that if a man reaches the age of 40 without ever having been married, there's either a very compelling reason why he doesn't want to marry or there's a very compelling reason why YOU don't want to be married to HIM. CG is in his early 40s and to my knowledge has never been married. So maybe it's better that things never worked out between us. Maybe he's just a seriously warped individual who thinks that no one could possibly love him. (Gee, sounds familiar.)

Now for the war part. Unless you've been living in a cave for the past 48 hours, you've probably read or heard something about the Sean Bell case. I'm not going to rehash it here. If you really don't know what it's about do a Google search or something. All I'm going to say is that it's wrong. It's just wrong. I can understand a cop making a mistake & thinking that someone was armed when he actually wasn't. But pumping 50 bullets into the bodies of 3 innocent men is not a mistake. It's police brutality. And let's be clear--this is not a racial issue. Has anyone noticed that 2 of the 3 cops who went on trial were black? Were the actions of these officers wrong? Hell yes. Was this excessive force? Absolutely. But racist? I don't think so.

Now for the life & death part. And here's where I'm going to be selfish & horrible. Remember my friend the cancer patient? The one I wanted to trade places with? She's dying. The doctors have exhausted all available treatment options and her cancer keeps coming back. Re-trying some or all of those options might help her live a little longer, but it would completely rob her of any quality of life. So she checked herself out of the hospital, she's arranged for hospice care, and now she's basically waiting to die.

The horrible selfish part? I'm pissed at her. Back in October when she was first re-hospitalized I went to visit her and brough her a shitload of home-baked cookies. She was so happy, and it made me feel really happy to know that I could do something helpful and useful to a friend in need. I got to meet her mother that night, and we all had dinner together. It was wonderful, or as wonderful as it could be under the circumstances.

When she returned home after her transplant, I emailed her & offered to stop by & bring more cookies. She sent a response that basically said, no thanks, I'm laying off the sugar and I'm not really up for visitors right now. The following week I'm reading her blog & she's talking about pigging out on ice cream. A few days later some mutual friends tell me that they're planning to visit her that day after work.

She's got a really HUGE support group. When she sends out mass emails to update everyone on her condition, there are roughly 100 people on the list. Another mutual friend asked me about her, and I told him where to find her blog. Then I get an email from her telling me not to tell people about her blog because it's semi-private. Yeah, a semi-private blog that you're sharing with 100+ of your closest friends. I didn't share her blog with the world, just one person. And I know that this one person is genuinely concerned about her.

I'm frustrated and angry. My friend is dying and there's not a damn thing I can do for her in her final days because she's got so many friends that she doesn't really need me. How can I care and grieve for someone who won't let me care about them?

OK, ok. I know that what I've just said is horribly selfish and self-centered. The woman is dying, and I'm pouting because I feel left out. Yep, that's really fucked up. No doubt about it. I know that. No one needs to point that out to me. But I had to get it off my chest because I don't dare express it anywhere else. I know how horrible it is, so I've kept it to myself.

But now that I've shared it, maybe I can get past it and move on. Much as I would like to see her again, she's got so many people visiting her that a visit from me would probably be too intrusive. My plan is to send her a card with one last hand-burned CD inside. That will be my way of saying goodbye.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a letter to write.
- posted by Pat @ 10:54 PM