It's a GAD GAD World
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Someone whose name I can't recall once wrote a very famous book about depression in which he compared it to a big black dog. Someone else has just written a book expanding on that metaphor called "Shoot the Damn Dog". I am now going to borrow upon that metaphor, although not to such a violent extent.

I am back in the doghouse.

I may or may not have mentioned in my last post that a huge project was unceremoniously dumped into my lap by someone above me who was too lazy to do it herself. Last week I tried to take preliminary action in getting the project completed. To make a long and boring story short, this resulted in a nasty email exchange between me and my boss (I wasn't nasty, she was) and a ruined 4-day weekend.

I am thanking God tomorrow is Friday because I need a weekend to recover from my weekend.

I've decided it's time to go. Screw the raise I've been promised. My boss has now been stringing me along for 5 months and nothing has materialized. They had an opportunity to promote me and completely fanned on it. My boss gets nasty with me for just trying to do my job without any goddamn support.

Lately I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that I'll always be a low-level loser, despite how smart I am. I'll never be important or special or valued or loved by anyone. Except possibly my cat.

But I'm smart enough to know that I'm not the only low-level, unimportant person in the world. How do other people do it? How do other people go through life working at meaningless low-level jobs with no one to come home to without wanting to slit their wrists?

When I worked at Famous Hospital I was valued. Just for my ability to fetch a stupid chart out of a drawer while somebody more important was on the phone. Just because I can't do the jobs I'm smart enough to do doesn't mean I'm completely worthless. Why can't I convince anybody of that?

My friend with cancer hasn't eaten in about 6 weeks. Her brain has stopped producing certain chemicals, so she no longer feels hunger.

I wish I could just lie in bed and wait for death. I wouldn't have to worry about pleasing anyone, or about retirement, or paying my rent, or trying in vain to look beautiful just so some man might give me a second look. I could just quit.

I'm such a waste. I wish I had the guts to kill myself so I could quit taking up space and oxygen from the planet.

My apologies to all you perfect people out there with your perfect bodies and your perfect relationships and your perfect homes and your perfect families and your perfect lives. I just can't keep up with you. And if anyone is reading this, I apologize for the rambling incoherent nature of my post. I just don't have the energy to make sense.

Well, it's time for me to go to bed. Another 6-8 hours of Ambien-induced nothingness, then I'll have to spend about 8 hours pretending to be normal. Then I can give up for the weekend. I can just lie in bed and wait for time to pass. Except I have to take my cat to the vet because I'm bringing him in for boarding in a few weeks and he's not up to date on his shots.

OK, I'm shutting up now.

Thank you for sharing your feelings. Life isn't easy any way you cut it. Maybe this will help??I figured out that everything in my life is affected by how I think/feel about it(how I feel about myself). I refuse to feel like crap anymore based in negative thoughts(most likely) based on my own low self-esteem and/or mild paramoia. No one can make you feel like crap about yourself, unless you allow them to.
And yes, there are plenty of people out there who feel bad about themselves and want me to join their "life sucks" party- life is exactly what you make out of it.
How about a positive approach? Have you thought of volunteering somewhere- like at an animal shelter( since you like cats), or some other organization.Use your talents, you have 2 capable working hands and a gentle heart. How about putting a little of that precious love out there to work in the world, it can be so good for you. Animals never judge us, total unconditional love! Wish humans could be that way.
I have a friend who has some surprising outcomes to volunteering with Habitat for Humanity. (Yes she found a male friend,(thats not why she joined up though, she has 3 new female friends plus Jake). She & Jake are progressing very slowly, its slow but steady b/c she has really low self esteem and No, she did not know anything about construction, but she can follow directions( handle a hammer) and work in a team environment comfortably now. Nothing can bring people together like working for a common cause. If you don't like outdoor stuff, or dealing with animals, what about volunteering for the local arts council, or... whatever might interest you.
Yes, I do have bad days. But its less & less based on what I take as being about what someone else thinks/feels about me( who gives a shit anyway?). I have my truth, they have theirs. Its all based on perception. If I am putting my stuff in the car (from grocery shopping) and someone walks by laughing...the old me would think that they are laughing at my rather sizeable bottom, and I would end up feeling crummy. Thats a perception, how I am taking it. What if this person was laughing at a joke, or hell, what if it was at my bottom. Not my problem! They laughed, not threw rocks. They don't live my life, I do. If I can live with it, and thinks its ok- then.....whatever! Its all based on how I feel about me. Too many folks (even the "perfect people" like my sisters) feel bad about themselves and work to share it at times. THey want to drag you down, theyre like crabs in bucket...when you are working to pull yourself out- they reach up to pull you back in. To heck with them is one of my thoughts, the other is suprisingly, that I pity them!
Even the perfect people are scared and feel crummy about themselves. So to make themselves feel superior they try to cut someone else down. Thats not working as good on me as it used to- had an incident that happened yesterday afternoon at a Panera bakery- this skinny perfect chic was standing in line with her sugar daddy, she looked at me leaned over and whispered something to her friend and he looked at me and laughed. Inside of me, I cringed. Then I realized that I am giving these people power over me. I am not giving away my power any more. Giving them the ability to make ME feel crummy, or angry- screw if! All because of what I perceive is how I look, God made my looks- if you have a problem- take it up with Him.
Damn sure, if theyre in the hospital and I am coming at them with an 20 gauge needle to start an IV, they are not going to be sneering at me, nor am I concerned if they were. My job is to give them what they medically require and move on, I am a professional above it all. I am going to be my own best friend and guard me/protect me like I deserve. No more giving people permission to make me feel like crap.
Back to the bakery, I ended up standing near "Ms. Perfects'" table in order to get my beverage, had my shoulders back, head held high like a queen, totally disregarding her presence. She glanced at me, ( I saw in the periphery of my vision). I wasn't taking her bait, or cringing, no way!!! Let her take her attitude and ruin someone elses day. This is the first time I have thought of her since then. I wish that I could give you a hug. Lots of people are "faking it" out there, the world is filled with lots of effed up poeple, they just manage to hide it in their size 0 jeans. Much less detectable than my own substantial double digit size. I suppose I just make a bigger target. I hope that you have better days- I have been reading some awesome books. "Women who run with the wolves "by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. It is definately worth a look. I checked my books out from the library and got so attached to this book that one of my friends gave me a copy. 2 other authors I have been reading are Marianne Williamson " A womans worth" (its okay, there are some true gems in there despite all the new age-ey dribble-drabble mixed up inside it). Rhonda Britten- "fearless living" and "change your life in 30 days"- they are good. Fearless living is a good read, 30 days is a manual. I plan to buy it soon. The library doesnt like it when you fill in the blanks in their books :-P !!!
I don't know if you want to post this on your blog as it is really long. Sorry, I have a true case of typeable diarrhea. Its hard for me to put things in a brief more direct manner. Sorry for the rambling! Take care of yourself & furbaby!!!!
--- Jane
I used to have a job like yours. I was given jobs without rewards, was strung along for a promotion that never came and just in general under valued. Try to look for a new job. Explain to people your current dilemma. Tell them that you do all your jobs to the best of your ability and are looking for a job that actually rewards their employees for doing such a job. Posting a blog does help get things out there for people but it helps just as much to read as well. Try my friend Josh's blog, he has some good stuff there.
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