It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, May 18, 2008
DAMMIT I THOUGHT I WAS *DONE* WITH THIS!
This past Monday my boss calls me into her office and drops the equivalent of a neutron bomb.
No, she didn't fire me. At this point, being fired would have been a blessing in disguise. What she did was inform me that my colleague is resigning. This would be the ultra-efficient colleague who's been in her position for years and does the work of 3 people without breaking a sweat. The only reason my position was created was when it became apparent that she couldn't do the work of four people.
She's not actually leaving until late July, and my boss *hopes* she can have someone hired before the colleague leaves so there can be some training done. But that's not definite. The way it's looking now, it seems that I'm going to be opening the upcoming fall semester by myself. And I am shitting bricks.
Dammit, I thought I was DONE feeling this way! This constant fear of impending doom has been looming over me like Snoopy the Vulture in the Peanuts cartoon when he's waiting for Linus to walk by with his blanket so he can swoop down and pounce. It's been with me ever since I found out she was leaving, and nothing is making it go away. Except for a hefty dose of benzos, and that's only a temporary relief.
2 Fridays ago I ran into a former colleague on the way home from work. He is now in a mid-manager position at...well, let's call it Almighty Performing Arts College. He gave me his business card & encouraged me to apply for any available positions.
This past Friday I sent him an email and asked him to get in touch with me. He didn't, but it's only been one day. He may have been swamped or out of the office. Over the weekend I went to the college's website to look for positions. There's currently nothing available that's appropriate for me.
I really didn't want to leave. But seeing as how the world is about to cave in on me, and my boss is still dicking me around about my raise, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't at least start looking around.
I've come to the realization that shit happens everywhere. No matter where I go, I will not escape the shit entirely. And given the nature of my very fragile psyche, I will never be in a position to give shit, only take it. I will never be anything more than a semi-expendable grunt. But if I find something at Almighty Performing Arts College, at least I might be a better-paid grunt. And I'll be a grunt at a place that people know and recognize. I found out from working at Prestigious Institution that your street cred goes way up if you're working at a famous place, even if the work you do isn't that glamourous. Let's just hope APAC isn't as much of a nightmare as PI.
PS--My friend is still alive as of this posting. But as I've said, it's not a question of whether the cancer will take her, it's a matter of when. And no, I got no response to my letter. I wasn't really expecting one. She's too weak for that at this point.
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