It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Websites everywhere are updating, including Blogger. Unfortunately, my piece-of-shit computer with its piece-of-shit Windows 98 can't handle all the updates. So I got screwed out of Blogger for a while. I'm still screwed out of Excite, but I tried Blogger again just now for the hell of it. So I'm posting because God knows when I'll be able to post again.

I have absolutely hit the wall at my job. My ultra-efficient colleague left 2 weeks ago. It was my job to throw the party. There wasn't enough food because my boss wouldn't let me spend very much money. My colleague not only didn't bother to thank me, she didn't even say goodbye to me.

Already I'm starting to see just how much of a buffer she was to me and how much shit she had to take. Thursday of the first week she was gone, I left the office, went outside & sat on a bench, and just bawled.

That's when I made up my mind. I am definitely leaving. I've been browsing job sites & signing up for email alerts. No interviews yet, but that's not entirely bad considering August is sheer hell at my job and it wouldn't be easy for me to sneak away for an interview anyway.

And about the guy I kissed 2 weeks ago--I haven't heard from him. Not a peep. And despite this I'm still thinking about sending him a birthday card. I know, I'm a loser with no self-respect.

But something happened that night. For about 10 minutes I took leave of my senses and said, what if? What if I'm not the fat ugly person I think I am? What if I'm a normal human being who is actually capable of being loved? What if this guy for whom I've been carrying a torch for six years feels the same thing I do when we see each other across the room?

Like I said, I took leave of my senses. I should have known better. And no, I was not drunk. I wasn't even on meds. I have no one to blame for that kiss but myself.

But it was a nice kiss. And for about 24 hours I was actually happy. And then reality set in.

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