It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I went to Guitar God's apartment and left a package with the doorman, who didn't want to accept it because he thought it needed to be refrigerated. As I explained to him, it was a homemade "Party in a Bag": a package of cupcakes with a little box of birthday candles taped to them, a cigarette lighter for the candles, a card, and a can of beer. The doorman balked at the cupcakes. I said, "They're Hostess cupcakes. They're still inside the package. They don't need to be refrigerated. Do you know how many preservatives are in those things?"

*sigh* The things we do for love...

GG isn't home now. He's out-of-town co-gigging with a friend. But he should be home by tomorrow unless he decides to stop off in CT.

I was reading this essay in a magazine about how this woman decided to give up the need to be loved for Lent. She would go on expressing love to the people who were important to her, but for 40 days she would let go of the need to expect anything in return. And because it was an article in a magazine full of positive pop-psychology bullshit, Wonderful Things Happened as a result.

I'm wondering if maybe this is what I should do. I stop myself from expressing love because I know it will alienate people. Like the Guitar God. For 6 goddamn years I've been hoping that maybe he might suggest we get together for a cup of coffee or something. Even that would be enough for me. For 6 years I've emailed him occasionally (but not too often) to let him know I'm thinking of him. On the rare occasions when he's had gigs, I've gone faithfully even when his performance was less than stellar. (He sabotages himself, I think he's got a self-esteem problem. And I think I know a little something about self-esteem problems.) I send him Christmas cards. The only reason I haven't recognized his birthday until now was because I didn't know when it was until a few months ago.

I've held back, because I knew if I didn't, he would disappear. And that's exactly what happened. Almost 2 months ago I took leave of my senses, threw caution to the wind, and expressed my feelings. And he's disappeared. Not a phone call, not an email, nothing.

I wish I could just let go of the need to be loved. I wish I could yank myself free of it like you yank a plug out of a wall socket. It isn't even about sex anymore. The doxepin has taken care of that for me, thank God. Now I just wish I had someone to come home to, to curl up on the couch and watch TV with. To crawl into bed and have someone beside me.

In other news, I do have my new computer. I went through hell trying to purchase it once I gave up on my so-called "friend" who just wanted to take my money, but I have it now. That's the good news. The bad news is that Windows Vista & Excite don't always get along. But it's way better than Windows 98.

One more item of note: Almighty Performing Arts College posted a position that I thought looked right up my alley. So of course I applied for it the day it was posted. The next day a response popped up in my inbox. I was at work when I got it, so I didn't open it until I got home that night. I've sent resumes to this place before, and usually when you apply via email they send you a little "thanks for sending your resume, if we like you, we'll call you" message.

This was different. This was a real msg created by a real (unnamed) human that said, "This is an entry-level position with a commensurate salary. Can you tell us your salary requirements and why you want an entry-level job?"

Uh-oh. The good news is they've actually looked at my resume and found it appealing. The bad news is now they're fishing for a reason to reject me.

I just sent them a response. I won't go into everything, but I told them that I've seen similar positions at other institutions who actually post the salaries on their websites, and there are a number of colleges who would pay an entry-level person more than what I'm currently earning.

Further bulletins as events warrant...

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