It's a GAD GAD World
Monday, February 16, 2009
Here's how you know you've spiraled into the abyss. You're on a 4-day weekend, you have an invitation to go to a free event involving free chocolate with a friend, it's the only remotely pleasant social occasion you have planned for the entire weekend...and you blow it off because you'd rather take some Remeron and zonk out in front of the TV.

Such was my state of affairs on Friday. The day before, my boss dropped a bomb on me 5 minutes before I was supposed to leave, then forced me to sit through a 45-minute rambling monologue, most of it consisting of crap I've heard her say a million times before. I was HOPING to get home while there was still daylight out, but...

The nature of the bomb is irrelevant, as are the details of her rambling monologue. I just hate my job so much right now. And yet this is a pattern I see repeating itself over and over throughout my work history. So many jobs where I wanted to strangle the people I worked with. So many jobs where I worked like a dog and got shown nothing for it except the door.

And yet, I can't bring myself to take steps to get out of it because I'm afraid that the devil I don't know will be worse than the devil I do know. I spent part of this weekend looking through job ads, and I found one that would involve working with people affected by 9/11. I took steps to apply for it (the website where I found the job has a lengthy online application process), but I talked myself out of it because it would involve a longer commute than the one I currently have. Mind you, it's in a neighborhood where I worked for 5 months at one of my many temp jobs.

But this is also a pattern. Whenever I look at job ads, I talk myself out of them because I find something in them that would be worse than what I'm currently doing. Smaller salary, longer hours, too much work, not qualified, overqualified, you name it. I always find something not to like about the job posting.

Sometimes I wonder if there's ANYBODY out there who truly enjoys their work and actually looks forward to getting up in the morning to go to their job. Maybe there is a job that a) pays me enough to live on & gives me health insurance and b) won't suck away my sanity. God knows I haven't found it yet.

I've decided that starting this week I'm going to take at least 1 xanax every day whether I feel like I need it or not. This is in addition to the klonopin I take every morning before I leave for work. I've got to do something to keep myself from blowing up and losing it. And right now I don't see a better option than knocking myself out with drugs.

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