It's a GAD GAD World
Thursday, March 19, 2009
WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT? (ALFIE)
I've hit the wall at work. I mean really hit the wall.
I feel like the horse in George Orwell's Animal Farm. I just work harder and harder with no end in sight. People treat me like crap, and I have to accept it because They're Important and i'm not.
I work so I can afford to pay for my meds. I take my meds so I can go to work. And that's my life. And what do I have to look forward to when I'm too old to work? I'll probably be thrown away like a useless piece of garbage & be forced to live on my meager retirement savings and Social Security (if there's anything left of that by the time I'm old enough to retire).
So what's the fucking point? If this is all that's left to my life I wish I could just lay down and die. No use taking up space or oxygen. I hear cancer patients and grieving loved ones talking about how precious life is and I want to scream "BULLSHIT!! Life doesn't mean a damn thing!"
Because it doesn't. It's just an endless cycle of abuse by people who have the power to keep you from being homeless.
I cleaned out my desk at work last week. Just so in case I quit or get fired I can be out of there in less than 5 minutes.
I keep wishing there was someone, anyone, I could talk to about all of this. Someone who would hug me and hold me and keep me safe and let me cry and not be afraid to see me cry.
But there isn't. And I'm coming to understand that there never will be. Which means that my life will never have any meaning. What's life without love? Even if I found someone I'd probably screw it up by not kissing him the right way or something. Or he'd dump me as soon as he found out how pathetically inexperienced I am. No one will ever love me.
All my intelligence, all my humor...to borrow a politically overused phrase, it's like putting lipstick on a pig. I am so worthless. I feel like I'm back in junior high again. People dumping on me and I just have to sit there and take it.
Where is my angel?