It's a GAD GAD World
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I've hit the wall at work. I mean really hit the wall.

I feel like the horse in George Orwell's Animal Farm. I just work harder and harder with no end in sight. People treat me like crap, and I have to accept it because They're Important and i'm not.

I work so I can afford to pay for my meds. I take my meds so I can go to work. And that's my life. And what do I have to look forward to when I'm too old to work? I'll probably be thrown away like a useless piece of garbage & be forced to live on my meager retirement savings and Social Security (if there's anything left of that by the time I'm old enough to retire).

So what's the fucking point? If this is all that's left to my life I wish I could just lay down and die. No use taking up space or oxygen. I hear cancer patients and grieving loved ones talking about how precious life is and I want to scream "BULLSHIT!! Life doesn't mean a damn thing!"

Because it doesn't. It's just an endless cycle of abuse by people who have the power to keep you from being homeless.

I cleaned out my desk at work last week. Just so in case I quit or get fired I can be out of there in less than 5 minutes.

I keep wishing there was someone, anyone, I could talk to about all of this. Someone who would hug me and hold me and keep me safe and let me cry and not be afraid to see me cry.

But there isn't. And I'm coming to understand that there never will be. Which means that my life will never have any meaning. What's life without love? Even if I found someone I'd probably screw it up by not kissing him the right way or something. Or he'd dump me as soon as he found out how pathetically inexperienced I am. No one will ever love me.

All my intelligence, all my borrow a politically overused phrase, it's like putting lipstick on a pig. I am so worthless. I feel like I'm back in junior high again. People dumping on me and I just have to sit there and take it.

Where is my angel?

In a way, I do know how you feel. My world may not be like yours, because we live different lives, but I have similar problems here. Some friends of mine have slipped away, because time just let it be that way. Some of them because I let them. Some because I let my anger and GAD get the best of me.

It's really tough living with GAD. I had it all my life and didn't even know it. It's also amazing how it can distort your whole perception of life and make you feel so worthless, so unwilling to not live, so helpless.

And the constant worrying seems like it never ends. When will things get better. I try so hard to change and people want me to change, but I just can't seem to change. I want to be happy again.

And in some cases, you know that honestly, it is only you that must be willing to change. Yet, somehow, your mind won't let you. Your body refuses. You get nervous, anxious, reliant on medication, and sometimes forcing yourself to not do normal everyday activities.

Like now, I was invited to go some friends' place tonight. These people I know are good friends of mine, but for the past seven months, I have always been afraid to come over. Because whenever I do, drama erupts, and I'm usually the one to blame. Now I'm afraid to go over this time, because my mind is telling me that they do not want me to come over. They don't want me as their friend. They get along great without me, so why should they invite me? One of them probably believes that I can't change and is sick and tired of me of talking about my problems because that is all I talk about. They probably hope that I rot in hell.

I'm also afraid of losing my virginity. My thoughts, "I'm afraid of getting an STD from someone. Everyone is not clean. What if the girl have a period or something? What if they shit in front of me? Oh man, if I lose it, the end of the world will come. I think God doesn't want me to lose it, because if I did, it will create so much destruction. I just can't do it."

Then there was the train ride I was going for one day. I stopped and literally stand in the vestivue of the commuter train, pondering if I should get off and board the next one, because I was afraid that the train would crash.

All of this, it makies me sick to my stomach, making my nerves rattle, making me angry, making me want to cry, making me want to scream, and in some instances, the feelings are so intense that I feel like taking a knife and ending it all. It makes me so depressed too that at times I feel that I have no energy to do anything. I feel crazy. I want to end it all

But I don't. I am getting help from it, and i finally have tools to help me conquer what I am thinking.

People can say that it is easy to change your perception and to "just do it." But the truth is, no one can live in another person's shoes. What is easy for some is hard for others. Having GAD is life-altering. Not only you have to have patience with yourself, but you are hoping that everyone around you, friends and family, will have the patience to be with you. And the reality of the day is some simply don't have the time. Very few due. Nor do they understand well. I have some family members and some friends who would tell me right now to stop being a pussy and just go through life. No one has time for you. Quit being a baby and live. You aren't depressed. You aren't And that's one of the most scary things about this disorder.

But there are people who do care. And you will also be surprised at how many people actually do care about you if you open up. Of course, there is a balance of talking about your life and talking about theirs as well. But people really do care.

LOL you know, the funny thing about things with my life, is that I say that I have a messed up life and all, but when I talk about it to other people, people actually say that I was normal and my life was not bad at all. I had it good. I have some incidents that I have in my head that makes me think otherwise, I hate my job, I hate graduating with a degree and working $8 an hour at a shitty place, and hate living with my parents, hate the fact that in several months, I will only have 2-3 friends to hang out with cuz everyone will either graduate or head to grad school while I'm stuck where I'm at. But since I realized I have GAD, I begin to wonder how many of those events were actually true. Were they as bad as I made them out to be. Did I actually vision those actions or were they made up. I will never know what truly happened. That's irony for you.

Maybe you should begin to change your perspective of things to make yourself a little bit more happy. It's just a suggestion. It doesn't come overnight, so don't expect it too, because we are human. It takes time and practice, and you will have to keep reminding yourself of that. Something that I have learned is to instead of saying "why me? or what if?" change it over to "so what if blah blah happens? and give a positive look. Or just keep reminding yourself when you become anxious or moody that it is just your anxiety getting the best of you. You will ride everything out, you're not going to have a panic attack, nothing will hurt you. You are fine. And if you do get a panic attack, just say that it is only a panic attack. You are not going to die. Just chill out and distract yourself and your mind.

With GAD, we tend to overanalyze and overthink way too much than what we should do. We become dramatic because we have overly imaginative thoughts, and our thoughts overtake our actions, and our actions usually piss us off or piss off people. It is something that will not go away, but with practice and tons of patience it will subside.

I hope this helps you a lot. I dunno what you are feeling right now, but I hope you have a good day. May God help you through your problems. Know that you are not alone and that I am here reading your blog.

Take care!

P.S: It's going to be okay. I would hug you, but I think my post is enough ;).
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