It's a GAD GAD World
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
It's 5:30am on my birthday and I'm wide awake. Why the hell would I be up at the crack of ass when it's my birthday? Well, the remeron I took roughly 12 hours ago has finally worn off and I'm no longer sleepy.

Yesterday was just such a day from hell at work. I'm not going to go into details because it's my birthday and I want to try & think good thoughts today & relaying what happen will just dredge up bad thoughts. But the first thing I did when I got home was pop a remeron. Well, 1/4 of a remeron. That's enough to do it for me.

I managed to check my email and watch the news. By 7pm I was feeling a little sleepy, so I crawled into bed. By 8pm I was out. And aside from a couple of momentary wake-ups during the night, I stayed asleep till about 4am. I tossed and turned for an hour, then said the hell with it and got up.

I'm already showered and halfway dressed. My plan for today is to head into the city & go to my favorite used music shop, where I can buy CDs for cheap. I'm also planning to look for jobs. I can't take much more at my current one.

It's my cat's birthday too. Judging by how old we think he was when I found him, it's likely that he was born during the month of may. So I always celebrate his birthday on the same day I celebrate mine.

My goals for today are to eat healthy food & get some exercise. The exercise won't be a problem when I head into the city because I plan to do a lot of walking once I get there.

I suppose I should do something more exciting, but it's just harder and harder for me to come up with things to do for myself on special days that don't involve spending money. And I really need to cut back on that. It's increasingly unlikely that I will ever find a man to love me, let alone support me. And if I'm going to be the only one looking out for myself, then it's up to me to make sure I'm financially stable. Even if it means working at a job that destroys my sanity and makes me cry on a daily basis.

Gotta go check the job boards now.

Saturday, May 02, 2009
I had a disturbing dream last night/this morning...

I was in a home that obviously belonged to my parents, although it didn't look like any home I actually grew up in. My mother was in the kitchen, I was in the next room alternating between sleeping and playing a game on the computer. At some point my sister showed up in the kitchen and said loudly that I wasn't doing anything to help.

The next thing I knew, I was in the kitchen and there was a special meal prepared. I started to help myself to the food and asked what the occasion was. My mother & sister smiled at each other and said something like, "You'll find out..." At this point I figured either my sister was pregnant or getting married. Then I remembered she was already married.

At some point I woke up & looked around & realized I was in my apartment and not with my family. When I fell back asleep, the knowledge that I was safe in my apartment gave me the courage to fight back in my dream.

I went back to the dream and said to my mother and sister that the reason I hadn't done anything to help was because no one had told me that anything was going on and that if I had been asked I certainly would have helped. Then I grabbed a mouthful of food, thinking that it had been a long time since I had eaten a decent meal, I walked out of the house and drove away.

Sometimes I'll listen to some new music I've discovered or I'll experience something in the city and I'll think about someone in my family and think that they would really enjoy whatever it is I'm experiencing. Then I remember that I'm thinking about my family the way I wish they were and not the way they actually are.

This dream depicts the way my family actually is, with my mom & sister leaving me out of things & just treating me like I'm a lazy worthless piece of shit. It wasn't a fun dream, but it reminded me of why I no longer have a family and why I'm better off without them.

Now for the disillusionment. I've been semi-actively job hunting for over a month now. I say "semi-actively" because there hasn't been much out there. But I did something weird tonight. I went to Prestigious University's website & looked at their job listings.

Yes, you read right. Prestigious University. The place that fired me 4 years ago last month. The place that drove me into relapse. What the hell was I thinking?

Mind you, I didn't apply for any jobs. I just looked. I'm fairly certain I have no chance in hell of ever working there again.

But why would I WANT to work there again, you ask. Well...Prestigious University is a big place. Just because one particular job in one particular department was sheer hell doesn't mean that every department would be hell. I know this for a fact because when I first started this blog, I was temping there in another department. My boss there was an asshole, but the other people I worked with were cool and they still serve as employment references for me. And the asshole boss is no longer there.

But it's not going to happen. I know that.

Tuesday was the 7-year anniversary of my friend's death. And I completely forgot about it. I guess that means I'm over her.

Not much else to report here. Except that I might be meeting up with some crazy people next week. I'll keep you posted.

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