It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, July 19, 2009
I GIVE UP
I spent the better part of this weekend zonked out on a lovely cocktail of Remeron, doxepin, and xanax.
The shit with my landlord has died down, but the shit at work has fired up big time. I applied for 4 jobs this weekend, and did another handful over the past week.
If this is all there is to my life, then I no longer want to live. There's just no point. Friday night as I was trying to fall asleep I thought about just lying there and willing myself to die. You know, like old people do when they've been married for an eternity and one of them dies. The surviving spouse loses all will to live and they just waste away, literally dying of a broken heart.
I'm not going to actively try to kill myself. But I give up. I just give up. There is no point in living in this world. I don't even care if I get fired. I don't even think I'll bother to file for unemployment. I'll just lie on the couch all day and zonk myself out on anti-anxiety medication. Maybe I'll do some writing. I found a website that actually pays people to write stuff.
I was flat-out rejected by my classmates in grade school and high school. My "family" disowned me. And aside from the abusive jerk I dated for 5 months in college, I've never been in a real relationship. Maybe it's time for me to finally accept what I've been told all along. Maybe I really am a worthless piece of shit. Maybe I really don't deserve to live.
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