It's a GAD GAD World
Friday, December 11, 2009
In my last post I wondered whether I should a) ignore Guitar God's lame late thank-you, b) tell him off & rip him a new ass, or c) gently point out that his story wasn't adding up and give him a chance to explain himself.
On Tuesday, I decided to go with option c). In an email that was a lot briefer than it's going to sound in my description here, I observed that his email tends to conk out a lot whenever he's been "meaning" to write to me and that it always seems to come back in a hurry whenever I let him know his favorite artist is in town. I then pointed out that he'd had at least 3 gigs in the city in the 3 weeks after he got my package, so I knew he wasn't out of town. I asked him if he'd like to try again, and that a little honesty would go a long way.
I got a response from him yesterday. He said that he had family crap that had taken him out of town and out of the country and that it was very stressful for him. He said he didn't like my accusations, and he asked that I never contact him again.
I immediately fired off an email and apologized to him. Not that I think it's going to do any good. I then spent the rest of the work day a total basket case, with frequent restroom breaks so I could have 60-second crying jags, and I managed to hide everything from my boss, who thankfully spent most of the day holed up in her office. At some point I called a friend and asked her to meet me after work.
We met, went to a little snack bar, and I told her the whole story. About how I'd watched Guitar God play backup for someone else for 3 years & I never said a word to him (mainly because I couldn't think of anything to say). Then one night he got his own gig and I went. And afterwards he walked over and sat down with me and thanked me and started a conversation. And he was so nice. And I found myself wishing that we could have another conversation like that--y'know, just go somewhere and have a cup of coffee or something.
And 8 years later, I was still wishing for that cup of coffee. And even though intellectually I knew that after 8 years, the cup of coffee was probably never going to happen, my heart couldn't let him go. After all this time, I still stop breathing momentarily whenever he walks into the room. Even though I only physically see him maybe 2-3 times a year.
I told my friend about the package I made for him. I told her that I wasn't expecting any miracles from it. But that just once in my life, I wanted to pull out all the stops and do something nice for someone I cared about, and to hell with the consequences. Even if he got so freaked out that he never wanted to see me again, at least I could go to my grave knowing that just once I got to unleash my caring creative talent.
I told her how I mailed the package and waited. And waited. And waited. And as more time went on, I figured how he was never going to say anything to me. And how I started to give up.
Then I told her of the events that have transpired in the past 7 days and the end result. I told her that I was worried that he might tell his sometimes-frontman about what happened and that Frontman might ask me never to show up at a gig again. (I've also got a bit of negative history with Frontman which did NOT involve any romantic feelings on either his part or mine. I shared the story with my friend, but that's a very LONG and involved story and I'm not going to go into it here.)
I then told her about the article I'd read a long time ago that cited the statistic that 90% of American men have been married at least once by the age of 40. The author pointed out that when you eliminate gays, Catholic priests, and convicted felons, that's virtually the entire American male population. The author went on to say that if you meet a guy who's over 40 and has never been married, there's either a very good reason why he doesn't want to get married, or there's a very good reason why you don't want to marry him. As all readers of this blog know, Guitar God just turned 50. And he's never been married. And in the 11 years I've known him I've never seen him with a girlfriend.
My friend said that my response basically gave Guitar God a convenient way to cut me out of his life. It probably wasn't so much that he was bothered by what I said, it was just a good excuse to say "go away and leave me alone". She also said that I was a very thoughtful person, and that there weren't very many people in the world who were like that. She also thought that both Guitar God and Frontman were assholes and that I should just forget them.
I was sort of thinking of doing that anyway, but this whole scenario just gives me more motivation to do it. I think I'm just going to take a step back and give this thing some time. Frontman is out of the country and will be for the next month or so. If Guitar God doesn't respond to my apology within a week, I might send him one final Christmas card and outline my plans for any interaction we might have in the future. This is what I might tell him:
I'm going to make an effort not to attend your gigs anymore, but there may be reasons why I want to attend certain gigs you're involved in that have nothing to do with you. If that's the case and we happen to see each other, I might smile and say hello, but that's it. Unless you make an attempt to talk to me, I will not bother you.
Also, I might occasionally send you alerts if your Favorite Artist is in town. But I'll just forward whatever I have & not tack any additional msg onto it. So if you see an email from me with Favorite Artist in the subject line, it's probably something you might want to read.
I've been typing for more than 1/2 an hour now, and I've got stuff to do. Including printing off my application for that other job and mailing the damn thing. Certain aspects of that job scare me to death, but something in my gut tells me I should at least try. I also have to do laundry. I'm not looking forward to doing these things because it is REALLY cold outside today. But it's better than sitting in my apartment and crying over Guitar God.
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