It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Last time when I posted I was wallowing in the depths of despair. It was partially because of the Guitar God, and partially because Christmas was fast approaching & I was sad and frustrated over facing yet another goddamn holiday totally and completely alone.

Well, what a difference a week makes. The holiday is over, and I'm still alive. I woke up around 8am, opened the one present I'd received (a care package from a friend far away), then spent the day in my apartment doing practically nothing. At one point I hiked to Walgreen's & CVS. Not because I needed anything, but because the people next door were arguing (again) and I didn't want to listen to it anymore.

I've sort of become resigned to the whole Guitar God thing. It's sad, but there's nothing I can do.

I say "sort of" because I had a dream about him last night:

I showed up to work (backstage at a theatre) and one of the faculty members I work with in real life was there. Guitar God was there too, stretched out on the couch and wearing a gray suit and tie. He looked at me with a smile, as though nothing had happened between us. I walked in and said hello, then saw Guitar God, gasped, and ran out of the room.

The faculty member came after me and asked what was wrong. I lied and said nothing. She then pointed out that I'd freaked out as soon as I'd seen the Guitar God. I told her that seeing him freaked me out & I had to walk away. She said, "What is going ON with you two?" I told her about the package I'd sent him and how it took him nearly 3 months to say thank you and when I called him on it, he'd cut me out of his life.

The faculty member told me that the reason he'd been busy was because he'd been at work till 10pm the night before. (Apparently in the dream he had a day job at a computer software firm.) Then we got busy on the production, which was some big musical spectacular. I started working at the box office, while Guitar God got his autographed photos ready. He showed no sign of animosity to me, but he was busy.

I woke up before I could ask him if everything was all right between us.

I do believe that dreams mean something, we just don't always understand WHAT they mean. 2 weeks ago I dreamed that he stopped in the middle of a concert to kiss me. And the next morning I got the thank you I'd been waiting for all this time.

And what did I do? I fucked it up by being snarky.

Now I'm having dreams that the whole blow-up never happened. Maybe it's a subconscious desire to wipe the slate clean and start over. (Hell, it's more than just a subconscious desire to me.) I've had similar dreams about my so-called family.

For those of you who are looking for GAD-related material, I'm sorry if this is boring you to tears. But I've got to work this out somehow. And writing about it is how I do it. And I can't share this with too many people in my real life, so I share it with you.

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