It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, December 13, 2009
WALL OF PAIN
That's what my life is. One great big wall of pain.
I don't want to kill myself, but the fact that I don't want to die doesn't mean Iwant to live. I am so ashamed. My life is just one big waste. I have no purpose on this earth. Why am I still here wasting oxygen?
For so long I've just wanted someplace to go and get a hug and be safe. Maybe the reason I don't have it is because I don't deserve it. Maybe my parents were right. Maybe I am a worthless piece of shit.
The only reason I've been able to get through this weekend is because I've been zonked out on remeron. How am I going to get through this week when I need to be functional? Especially when I'm going to have my performance review sometime this week.
I don't want to live anymore. It's just too hard.
Oh Guitar God, I miss you so much...I thought I'd be ready to let you go, but I'm not. And I don't know if I'll ever be. I'll never speak to you again--I'm too afraid of what you might do if I do--but I won't--can't-- stop caring about you. Whenever I go to a concert, I'm always going to imagine you by my side, wondering what you would think of whatever act I'm seeing. I'm always going to wonder if you're doing OK and if you have enough to eat.
I'll never forget the nice things you've done for me over the years and I'll always be grateful for them. I'm glad that I have a picture that I took of you the last time I saw you. I'll never delete it.
I finally got off my ass and applied for the job that my friend forwarded me. Maybe a change would do me good.
I wish I could just quit my job and stay in my apartment all day. I've got enough food and enough CDs to keep me happy. By the time I ran out of money and ended up homeless the weather would probably be warmer and I could hack it.
I know I'm not making sense right now. But it's after midnight and I have no one to talk to and I hurt so much right now. What's the point of living without anyone to love?
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