It's a GAD GAD World
Saturday, April 17, 2010
I'm still doing only the 5 mgs of Namenda. My typing has improved slightly, but my depression has gotten worse.

Of course, this may have something to do with the fact that I'm turning 40 soon. When my mentor from grad school died from leukemia complications at age 39 I swore I would look forward to turning 40. But now that it's staring me in the face like the headlights of an oncoming train I'm filled with dread. It's not like there's anything I can do to change the fact that I'm turning 40. But I honestly thought that by this point in my life I would know the joy of being in love with someone who loved me back.

I think it's time to let that dream die. My looks are not going to improve with age, and they weren't that good to begin with. I wish I had the willpower to starve myself and exercise, but all my physical energy gets sucked up by going to and from work 5 days a week. On the weekends it's all I can do just to haul my butt to the grocery store.

So I'm on Facebook now. And I recently re-connected with a guy I knew in college. He was a senior when I was a freshman, and he was a notorious horndog. But he wasn't a bad guy. We've all probably known garbage dicks in our lifetimes, but I wouldn't classify this guy as one even though he had sex with a LOT of women. The truth of the matter is, he loves women, loves all women, loves pursuing and bedding women, and here's the important part--he makes no secret of it and has always been brutally honest with the women he's been with. It's one thing to do and say whatever it takes to get someone to have sex with you. That's being a scumbag. But when you're completely honest about what sex means to you and what you're looking for, if your potential partner isn't in line with it and s/he sleeps with you anyway, then it's their fault for being stupid.

Anyway, my college buddy is now married with 3 children. I think he got married sometime before I graduated, so the fact that he's still married is a testament to his wife's understanding. One night this week he and I happened to be online at the same time so we started chatting. He is still pursuing and enjoying women. But he qualified it by saying that his wife was very indulgent and understanding of it. She'd have to be in order to be married to him.

I don't think this guy could be as successful at bedding women as he is if he didn't truly like and respect women and treat them well. I didn't ask him for clarification as to exactly HOW indulgent his wife is. But he traveled to Philly last week and he's got a friend who lives in Brooklyn. He also said that the next time he's in the neighborhood we could get together for dinner.

If his wife is truly ok with him fooling around, I think I might make him an offer.

I've been doing some reading on Wicca. I don't know if I'll ever become a full-blown practitioner of the faith, but I really appreciate what it's about. Wicca does not believe in sacrifice or self-denial of any kind. It teaches that this life is meant to be enjoyed, and one of the guiding principles is "if it harm none, do what ye will". That means we can do as we please as long as we're not hurting anyone else.

Under most circumstances, having sex with a married man would not be cool under Wicca, because it would hurt his wife and their relationship. But this isn't most circumstances. I am not under any illusions that this man is going to leave his wife and kids for me. I've known him for more than half my life and I trust him. I know where he's coming from. I'm not hurting him by placing any unrealistic expectations on him. I'm not hurting myself because I'm going into this with my eyes wide open. And if his wife is OK with it, I'm not hurting her.

But that's a big if. I'll have to talk with him the next time he plans to be in town. But God, it would be wonderful to spend the night in the arms of a warm, caring, respectful man.

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