HEAVEN HELP MY HEART
My 200th post. Woo hoo.

I'm staying up late because it's been too damn hot during the day to get anything accomplished.

I had an appointment with my p-doc on Friday. I told her that after cutting my Namenda the cognition (at least with the typing) improved, but my depression got worse, so I went back to my original dosage. She basically shrugged and said fine.

I'm kind of worried about this, but I don't think my p-doc is going to be much help. I'll talk about it with my regular doc (I've got an appt next month) and see what she says.

Here's an example of how my brain is deteriorating. A few months ago I posted something on Facebook about something I was going to do, and how I didn't think it was going to be very pleasant.

Recently I was scrolling through my old posts, and I was horrified to see that I hadn't typed pleasant, but present. That's not a spelling error or a typo. And I just don't make mistakes like that. Part of my job involves proofreading to CATCH mistakes like that. Granted, this in and of itself isn't the end of the world. But the fact that I could make a mistake like this is more than a little disturbing to me.

In other news, I've come to realize that I've fallen completely head over heels in love with the guy I reconnected with on Facebook. The MARRIED guy with 3 kids whom I haven't seen in 20 years. The one I offered to have sex with if he ever came around to my neck of the woods. The one who said he'd keep an open mind about it.

We had a fight a couple of weeks ago. It was all a miscommunication. I shared something personal with him, and he started making stupid smart-ass remarks about it, and I got mad. Mind you, this is all via IM. We haven't spoken yet, in person or on the phone. He immediately shot off an email clarifying what he was trying to say. I fired off an email letting him know I was mad. He responded with concern and expressed a desire to work through this, saying it would be a shame if we stopped talking to each other just a few weeks after re-connecting after 20 years. (I know that last sentence didn't make much sense, but it's late and my brain isn't working right.) I sent him a long email back telling him why I was so upset and agreeing that I didn't want this to make us stop talking to each other.

Why is this tiff so significant? It's the first time in my adult life that I can recall where I was able to get angry with someone and be able to move past it. It's not that I haven't been capable of it, it's that the people I've gotten angry with haven't wanted to work past it. We had a disagreement. We talked about it. We worked through it. And we moved on. I wish I had some way to express how important and amazing that is.

Taoism says that "when the heart is ready the teacher will come". I think my teacher has arrived. It's just a damn shame he's got a wife and a life 9 hours away and I'll only see him once a year if I'm lucky.

If it were love I would give that love every second I have
And I do
Did I know where he'd lead me to?
Did I plan doing all of this for the love of a man?
Well I let it happen anyhow
And what I'm feeling now
Has no easy explanation, reason plays no part

Heaven help my heart
I love him too much
What if he saw my whole existence
Turning around a word, a smile, a touch?

Maybe it's best to love a stranger
Well, that's what I've done
Heaven help my heart

(from "Chess")
- posted by Pat @ 12:24 AM