It's a GAD GAD World
Friday, July 23, 2010
I went to a concert tonight (technically last night, since it's now after midnight) and the night before. Same as ever. I felt good while I was there watching it, but now I'm home and I feel empty.

So last Friday I mailed the birthday package off to Mr. Married. It included the item I custom ordered for him before I found out what a compassionless bastard he was, a hand-burned CD which I didn't bother to label because I didn't feel like going out of my way for him, and...a couple of massage books and a handful of condoms. I won't go into how I obtained these items because it's not really necessary, but I included a note explaining that these weren't really gifts, just stuff I was getting rid of because I knew I would never need it.

A few hours after I mailed the package I headed into the city to get a routine mammogram.

Monday was his birthday, but he was out of town. Tuesday he sends me an email to thank me and says we'll talk about politics later. I sent him an email back saying that I no longer had the energy to fight with him, and that he could celebrate his victory as soon as he could figure out exactly what he had won. He sent me a couple of brief emails after that, but I didn't answer them.

Wednesday I get a phone call: "This is XYZ Radiology following up on the mammogram you had last week. The doctor wants you to come back in and get another mammogram and a sonogram on your left breast." After I hung up the phone I started looking up stuff on the internet while simultaneously shitting bricks. The World Wise Web says that follow-up mammos are *usually* nothing to worry about.

I'll keep that thought in mind, but I'm also thinking maybe I'll get my wish to die young and be rid of this miserable loveless existence after all. My only hope is to outlive my cat. I'm the only human he's ever lived with, and I'm sure it would affect him if he lost me. And once I lose him, I'll have no viable reason to want to stay alive.

I've actually had to pop a few xanax this week. I think I'm going to pop 1/2 a remeron before going to bed. I need to do laundry tomorrow, but other than that I have nothing scheduled. It's supposed to be another hot wknd, maybe I'll just spend it lying in bed being useless. I'm so damn good at it, I ought to stick with it.

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