It's a GAD GAD World
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Not much going on, but I haven't posted in a while.

Performance reviews will be out soon. I keep telling myself that I don't give a shit. I do a good job, and if people didn't like the way I did my job I would have been fired a long time ago. And the whole tying reviews to salary increases is bogus, because when money is tight they find excuses to nail you on your review so they don't have to give you as much of a raise. So, to quote Bill Murray in Meatballs, it just doesn't matter.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself. Maybe if I say it often enough I'll start believing it and stop shitting bricks at the mere thought of a review. about this whole rash of gay teen suicides? It just makes me sick. No one deserves to be abused and humiliated the way these people were. It makes me think of all the abuse I endured at the hands of my classmates. At least I wasn't filmed in the midst of a sexual encounter. And I was never beaten. The worst I ever got physically was being smacked once in the head with a fully loaded backpack. The blow knocked my glasses off my head to the floor and broke them.

Why are human beings so cruel to each other?

I've been out sick most of this week. Nothing serious, just a nasty cold. Now I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. But it's been so dreary inside this apartment. If I didn't need money I could really get used to lying in bed all day and doing absolutely nothing.

Oh yeah--I've now missed 3 periods. And no, there is not a snowball's chance in hell that I could be pregnant. I'm 40 and I've never been pregnant or on the pill, which means I've had 30 straight years of hormones coursing through my body. And now my time has run out. My sexuality is dead before it ever had a chance to begin.

I don't even think much about men anymore. I remember when I was in college I would constantly daydream in class about sex with whichever guy I happened to be obsessed with at the moment. Now it barely crosses my mind. Thank God. It's torture to wish constantly for something you can never have.

I still think about Red though. Even though it's been almost a full year since our last email exchange. I haven't seen him. I don't know if I ever will.

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