It's a GAD GAD World
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
Have you seen that new cat food commercial? It starts out with a woman bringing her boyfriend to her parents' house. As they enter the home, a beautiful fluffy white cat comes down the stairs and the woman greets it warmly. Boyfriend makes a mental note. Cut to the next scene, Boyfriend is spiffing up his apartment, replete with cat toys. Next scene, Girlfriend enters the apartment and there in the middle of the room is a beautiful fluffy white kitten, a tiny replica of the beautiful fluffy white cat. Girlfriend picks up the kitten, and there's a heart-shaped charm hanging around its neck that says, "WILL YOU MARRY US?"

I saw that commercial for the first time last night & I started bawling like a baby. And I've been thinking about it and crying on and off ever since.

Last year at this time I was about to turn 40 & I was despondent over the fact that no man had ever wanted me. Now I'm almost 41 and nothing's changed. I really thought I'd gotten over it. And then I saw that stupid commercial last night.

If no man has wanted me in all this time, then I must not be worth having. Some might say I should go into therapy or something, but you know what? I don't think I want to know. If there's something about me that's so terrible and so awful that no man would want me, I don't think I ever want to know what it is. I'm afraid to face something that awful. It must be big and scary.

I've emailed Red a few times & he's emailed back, but nothing really big to speak of. He hasn't initiated any contact with me, and if I have any sense in my head at all I'll give up thinking that he ever will.

I can feel myself drifting back into Depressionland, and that is the LAST place I want to go. I'm going on a trip this wknd that I've been planning for 6 months, and I just do not have the time to lay in bed curled up in a ball and sobbing.

Stupid fucking commercial.

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