It's a GAD GAD World
Saturday, December 24, 2011
I don't think I have ever wanted a man as badly as I do right now.

What the fuck is WRONG with me?? It's fucking CHRISTMAS EVE!! What am I doing all alone? Am I really so repulsive that no one thinks of me on this night?

I know my family doesn't give a shit about me. I can deal with that. But I really thought after all this time I would have established ties & found a community of friends I could rely on. But it hasn't happened.

I would give anything just to be held right now. Just to have someone to be with and talk to.

I've been thinking about that stupid reporter nonstop for the past couple of days. I'd love to know where he is right now. I don't want to hunt him down & stalk him, I just want to know where he is. Covering a story so the married reporters with kids can be home tonight? On a train on his way home? Stuck at home in his apartment?

Don't worry. As lonely as I am right now, I have no inclination to physically stalk someone. I can't be bothered with that crap.

I sent a snarky email to the Cute Brother earlier today. It was kinda funny--a Bill Maher quote--but kinda mean-spirited too. Maybe I shouldn't have sent it. My one comfort is because he's with his family now he probably won't see it till after the holiday.

I have a friend who's in the hospital right now. I called her this evening thinking I could comfort a friend who's stuck in a hospital and focus on someone besides myself & have a nice long conversation. About 5 minutes into the conversation her family showed up. So that went down the tubes.

In about an hour I'll take some drugs. Then hopefully I'll sleep all day.

Right now I'm snarfing Hershey's Kisses non-stop.

I just want to be with someone tonight.

Sunday, December 18, 2011
I've been bleeding every day since November. This is the first day in about 2 weeks that I haven't bled heavily. I'm almost ready to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hand.

If you're still reading after that last paragraph, you're either a) not male and/or b) you've got a stronger stomach than most.

I've had some big developments at work. Here's the timeline:

Just before we leave for Thanksgiving break, my boss asks me if I can proctor final exams on Wednesday. (Wednesday was supposed to be the day I went to my new job to get acquainted.) I agree to do it because I have no choice, and push my get-acquainted day back. AGAIN.

Tuesday after Thanksgiving: Boss comes to me and asks if I'd like to be on the search committee to hire my replacement. I tell her I don't have the time, which is true. Then I start thinking about it...a SEARCH COMMITTEE?? For a clerical monkey?? Give me a fucking break!

Then the Dean (future Big Boss Guy) walks past me and asks if I'm still planning to go to my new job tomorrow. I tell him no, that Boss is making me stay & proctor exams. He proceeds to make a few phone calls, then calls me into his office late that afternoon. He confirms that I'm not going tomorrow, that I'm going Wednesday, and says that hopefully by January I'll be at my new job for good. JANUARY??

Wednesday: I go to my job, proctor exams, then go to Big Boss Guy's office. I tell him that I realize that none of this is his fault, but enough is enough already. This has been dragging on since November. I want to move and I want to move NOW. He asks, "Do you want me to push?" (Um, YEAH dipshit!) I point out to him that I'll be away from the office at my new job on Thursday, and that I'm taking off Friday. That will give him 2 days to get his arms together and start busting heads.

Thursday: I go to New Job. The good news is that there's a fridge/freezer/microwave in the office, which means after 6 years I can quit eating peanut butter & jelly every day. The bad news is that my desk doesn't lock & the student workers share it, which means I can't leave anything in the desk that I don't want taken. More bad news. My office mates eat out. A lot. And here I am having to cut back financially because I'm now shelling out $104/month for a Metrocard in addition to my bus fare.

But then, more good news: I get a call from Future Boss Guy. The future is here. I will officially start my job on Monday.

So I've been at my new job for about 2 weeks now. Haven't done much yet because it's the end of the semester & things are quiet. My boss (not Future Boss Guy, she's below him) is new as well, so we're all still sort of feeling each other out. This has caused my GAD to spike a bit because I don't like dealing with uncertainty.

One thing that irritates me is that she wants to have a staff meeting every frigging week. It's a small office--3 FT people including myself and one PT person. I could understand it if it were in the middle of the semester & stuff was going on. But NOW?? Boss Chick has repeatedly said that she's OCD about certain things. Lemme tell ya right now--OCD + GAD = Guaranteed Ugliness down the road.

And I absolutely fucking hate the commute. But I knew this was going to be an issue going in, so I can't pretend like I didn't know. Although if I hustle, I can sometimes get home at the same time as I did at my now former job.

So I'm off now for 2 weeks for the holiday. Yeah, supposedly there's a big holiday next week. Not that I have any reason to give a shit. So I've scheduled some doc appointments. Tomorrow I have my annual mammogram. Tuesday I have a cardio stress test and an ultrasound, as requested by my awesome new cardiologist. Then on Wednesday I have a blood draw to check my triglycerides & blood sugar level again, again as requested by the cardiologist.

Then I'll probably spend a couple of days doing laundry & spiffing up. Then sometime on the 24th I'll take some Ambien & try to stay asleep for most of the next 24 hours. Then all the bullshit will be over & I won't have to deal with it again for another year.

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