It's a GAD GAD World
Saturday, December 24, 2011
I don't think I have ever wanted a man as badly as I do right now.

What the fuck is WRONG with me?? It's fucking CHRISTMAS EVE!! What am I doing all alone? Am I really so repulsive that no one thinks of me on this night?

I know my family doesn't give a shit about me. I can deal with that. But I really thought after all this time I would have established ties & found a community of friends I could rely on. But it hasn't happened.

I would give anything just to be held right now. Just to have someone to be with and talk to.

I've been thinking about that stupid reporter nonstop for the past couple of days. I'd love to know where he is right now. I don't want to hunt him down & stalk him, I just want to know where he is. Covering a story so the married reporters with kids can be home tonight? On a train on his way home? Stuck at home in his apartment?

Don't worry. As lonely as I am right now, I have no inclination to physically stalk someone. I can't be bothered with that crap.

I sent a snarky email to the Cute Brother earlier today. It was kinda funny--a Bill Maher quote--but kinda mean-spirited too. Maybe I shouldn't have sent it. My one comfort is because he's with his family now he probably won't see it till after the holiday.

I have a friend who's in the hospital right now. I called her this evening thinking I could comfort a friend who's stuck in a hospital and focus on someone besides myself & have a nice long conversation. About 5 minutes into the conversation her family showed up. So that went down the tubes.

In about an hour I'll take some drugs. Then hopefully I'll sleep all day.

Right now I'm snarfing Hershey's Kisses non-stop.

I just want to be with someone tonight.

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