It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, February 05, 2012
WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
It must be sweeps time. Mr. Reporter is part of a snazzy new promo for the station & he's got a big story running tomorrow night.
I know how this works, because I've done it so many times before. I'll obsess over him until I no longer have a reason to obsess over him and then I'll just find someone new to obsess over. And why do I obsess over public figures like a junior high girl? Because my way of relating to guys is stuck in junior high. I'm in a seemingly permanent state of arrested development. I don't know how to relate to men like an adult. And I wonder why I'm so lonely. And I wonder how to fix it. How do you meet someone and get them to fall in love with you when you've never done it before?
The answer is that you don't. If there's one thing all my shoe-gazing has taught me, it's that I cannot make anyone fall in love with me. If I could, I would have done it a long time ago. And since I have no power in that realm, I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life alone.
I feel like my whole life is just marking time until I drop dead. Mr. Reporter and all the unavailable men I obsess over are just drugs. Music--which I live eat sleep and breathe--is just a drug. The games I play online (not cyberstalking, I mean REAL games like Bejeweled) are just a drug to pass the time. Except for work, everything I do is just a drug to pass time. There is no real meaning and no real joy in my life.
So how the fuck do I get out of it? How do people manage to fall in love with each other? How do people wake up EAGER to face the day? How do people fall so deeply in love with life that they weep at the prospect of losing it?
What do I do? Start attending hippie dippie new age feel-good bullshit seminars? Volunteer in a soup kitchen? Adopt an overseas child whom I can allegedly feed for 14 cents a day? All I know is I don't know how much longer I can just exist in this life with no reason to stay in it.
HELP ME PEOPLE!!
Comments:
Hi Pat. What to do what to do! That's a really good question. I have only one answer and you're gonna hate me for it. Try online dating. And I don't mean the silly dance where you contact a guy you like the look of and then emotionally vomit on each other by email for 6 months. I mean find a profile which matches your values, exchange maybe 3 emails and then meet for coffee. I'm serious. It's how I met my husband!! I honestly thought I was going to end up alone (I had conversations with myself just like yours) and this is what worked for me. The worst that can happen is that you get some practice in with people you never have to see again. Or get murdered. Better to have tried and got murdered than die of loneliness? Don't know if that's a good pitch for my whole point but .... eh!
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