It's a GAD GAD World
Thursday, November 01, 2012
HOWLING WINDS, MASS DESTRUCTION, AND OH YEAH, THE HURRICANE
On Friday my boss & I had a major blowout right before I was supposed to leave. I don't want to re-hash the details because I don't want to re-live it. A few hours earlier we'd been notified that we'd be closed on Monday because of Sandy.
My GAD has gone through the roof over the past several months. I'm popping klonopin & remeron like candy. I spend every weekend feeling sick to my stomach and crying like a baby because I don't want to walk into the office & deal with the bitches I have to work with. In discussions with friends, more than once I've been told that I'm being bullied. I don't know if that's accurate or not, but it's a possibility. I just hate my life the way it is now & I feel like I can't do anything to change it. I feel like an animal trapped in a cage with no way out. I feel like killing myself is the only way out. Mind you, I do NOT want to kill myself. But it's pretty bad when it feels like suicide is your best option.
I'm so desperate to leave my job that I'm thinking of applying for jobs in City By the Sea. I've been there before. It's an easy trip. I don't know anyone there, so I'll be lonely and miserable, but I don't see how that could be any worse than where I am now. And they have a decent mass transit system.
As soon as I left the office I made 2 phone calls. One to a colleague who recently revealed he'd been given permission to hire an assistant. I called to tell him I was interested. The second call was to the Dean. I told him I'd had enough & couldn't take it anymore. He set up an appt for me to come in and meet with him on Tuesday.
Then the hurricane hit. Long story short we're closed the entire week. Hopefully I'll see him when we re-open. Dean called me today to check on me & see if I was OK.
I am ok. Hurricane-wise, at least. I suffered no damage. But I've been watching the coverage non-stop & I know I'm very lucky.
Of course, Mr. Reporter has NOTHING to do whatsoever with me being glued to the tube all this week. Nothing at all. The day the hurricane hit he was on the Jersey shore taking some very crazy chances. I actually emailed him & told him to be careful and that a storm wasn't worth him doing something stupid. Then when I saw him on the shore trying to be macho I told him that if I ever met him in person I didn't know whether I'd shake hands or strangle him for being so reckless.
You know what I want to do with this guy? Aside from the obvious, I mean. Before the local Emmy awards I posted an inspirational song on his page. I want to take him to see the band who performs that song. I bought the soundtrack to a funny musical recently & I listened to it tonight. I want to go to this musical with him. Maybe on my next anniversary of escaping my shithole hometown I'll buy tix. Just for me. I know there won't be anyone for me to go with.
I wanted to be the person this guy came home to after a long day being out in the storm. I wanted to fix him grilled cheese sandwiches while he took a long hot shower. And after he ate, I wanted to do whatever he wanted to do, whether that was sleep or sex or something else.
I feel like a shelter animal no one wants to adopt. I would make such an awesome companion if only someone would open their heart & give me a chance. Instead I sit trapped in solitude, waiting and praying to be euthanized so I don't have to live another day being so miserable and lonely.