It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, May 19, 2013
I'm sorry I haven't posted much in the last few months. There really hasn't been much to tell.

For the past several months I've really had no schedule except to get to the library when it's open. I have a better internet connection there & I use it to job hunt. I make sure I apply for a certain number of jobs every day, resorting to job boards when I can't find anything open at local colleges. But every day I apply for something.

I'm ok financially for the moment. Not great, but ok. I've got unemployment & to make a convoluted story short, if I don't do anything stupid to fuck up I've got guaranteed income for the remainder of the calendar year as long as I make a good faith effort to look for work. Which I am.

The thought of what might happen if I don't find a job by Christmas scares me. But if the folks at my last job came to me today & offered me my job back, I wouldn't take it. I haven't been this stress-free in a very long time.

How stress-free? I'm almost completely off my meds. I'll pop one once in a while, depending on what's going on. But I really don't need them now. Contrast that to the last month of my job, when I was doing my usual Namenda & doxepin every day, along with a klonopin every morning before I left for work, xanax during the day when things got too unbearable, and remeron practically every night because the Ambien wasn't enough to calm me down to sleep.

So what do I do all day? I get up, eat something, go to the library until I get hungry or I get kicked off because there's someone else waiting, take a walk, go home & eat something, watch the news/fall asleep, get up and netsurf/eat, then try to sleep. Even though I go to bed around midnight I usually don't fall asleep till after 3am. Then I get up & do it all over again.

I no longer dread Sundays. I actually enjoy them now. And when I go to a show it's because it's something I REALLY want to see because I don't have money to go to everything that strikes my fancy.

I'm also spending *way* too much time following Mr. Reporter. He just did a really big story that took him several months and a lot of legal wrangling to complete. He worked his ass off & he did a good job, and I shot him a message basically telling him that--although not in those exact words. He said thanks. It's only the second time this year he's made any attempt to communicate with me.

And that's ok. I'm not interested in pushing him. I have no right to push. I'm a complete stranger to him. I've never met him, don't know if I ever will. If I do, great. If not, I'll be happy to drool from afar. Given a choice, I would rather never meet him than do/say something that would make him afraid to meet me.

And if you think I'm talking way too much about him here, it's because I almost never talk about him with anyone else. I gotta have SOME outlet, ok? I have one online friend whom I trust, and one real-life friend whom I trust. There's a 3rd person who knows, but long story short, I couldn't come up with a convenient lie at the time. But he doesn't talk to me much about it, & I don't bring it up.

Y'know what's weird, though? He doesn't seem to have many friends at his workplace. I follow other people at his tv station through social media, because I like them & they seem like cool people. The others talk back & forth to each other & joke around, but he doesn't. And when the local Emmys happened a few months ago and some of the others won some awards, they were high-fiving each other all over the place. But when Mr. Reporter won an award, there was only one person at the station who congratulated him.

Of course, this is what played out on social media. Things could have been different in real life.

Speaking of real life, I need some real sleep so I can get up early tomorrow & do some recycling.

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