It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, September 29, 2013
I have to keep these posts short because Google/Blogger is now fucking with the formatting. Mr. Reporter is now a married man. He's probably had more sex in the past month than I'll ever have in my lifetime. As soon as I found out I did the cyberpurge as I should: Deleted my posts from his FB page, Unliked the page so he doesn't pop up in my feed, archived his messages so I don't see them, unfollowed him on Twitter & deleted my most recent tweets to him. And I'll peek at his station from time to time, but avoid it completely if I know he's going to be on. I have not seen his face or heard his voice since he took his vows. Good girl, right? Wrong. Despite all this I can't stop thinking about him. When I close my eyes I can't stop seeing him in front of me. And I've TRIED, believe me. I know what I need is some other male to distract me. But if I could do that, I wouldn't have wasted 2 years yearning for someone I only knew through TV. When I'm on my deathbed, my only regret will be that I never found anyone to love me.

Thursday, September 05, 2013
There have been 3 weddings in my life over the past week. Actually, they HAVEN'T been in my life, but that's part of the problem. Last week one of my friends got married. To say he's a friend is a bit of a stretch. We met at a concert more than a decade ago(we have a few bands we like in common), he sings in a band (I've gone to some of his shows), and I know from FB conversations I've seen & artistic work he's done as well as meeting his now-ex-wife that he likes heavier women--or at least he doesn't have a problem with them. I can't say I've ever pined or lusted heavily over him. But it bugs me that 1) I wasn't in on the wedding plans (guess I'm not as much of a friend as I thought I was), and 2) once he got divorced and started dating again why didn't it ever occur to him to maybe ask me out once in a while? We get along on the occasions when we see each other, and my weight obviously isn't a turnoff for him. Why didn't I ever show up on his radar? Wedding #2 hasn't happened yet. Someone local and semi-famous that I follow just announced his engagement. I've met him a couple of times & he's a super nice guy. I can't say we're friends, having only met on these 2 occasions. But his fiance is super pretty. And it just reminds me that this will never be me because I'm not super pretty. And then...I just broke down and cried over those two words, knowing what I'm about to type. It's stupid for me to cry over this. IT IS SO FUCKING STUPID FOR ME TO CRY OVER THIS. But cry I do, and here I vent because I have no other place to do it. Mr. Reporter hasn't been on the air much lately. I thought maybe he'd jumped ship & moved to another station. (There's some stupid 3-month 'no-compete' clause in TV news that says if you leave one station and go to another in the same market, you have to wait 3 months before you can appear on-air.) Checked his Twitter feed recently--nothing for almost a month. Then today I checked his personal FB page, which is something I rarely do unless I have a reason. One of the few public posts he has there (he keeps his personal page locked up like Fort Knox, as he should) has a reference to a woman. I look up the woman on FB. Her page is locked up too, but her cover photo is of her and Mr. Reporter. I think, "OK, he's got a girlfriend. Doesn't mean it's serious." I decide to go to Google to see if I can learn anything about her... ...And that was when I found their wedding registry. And their wedding album. He proposed to her almost a year ago. And they're getting married very soon. IT IS SO FUCKING STUPID FOR ME TO CRY OVER THIS!!! I never even met the man. He wouldn't recognize me on the street if I ever bumped into him. And now I know why he barely acknowledged my existence whenever I'd try to communicate with him on social media. He just wasn't interested. It probably didn't even dawn on him that I was, given that I bent over backwards to not say anything overtly flirtatious. Or maybe it did and he didn't want to encourage me. His fiance is petite and pretty. So maybe I wouldn't have had a shot anyway. But WHY THE FUCK NOT?? Why doesn't it ever happen for me? What is so terrible and so awful and so wrong with me that I can't even get a second glance? Or an email? I spent 2 FUCKING YEARS dreaming about this man, drooling over him here in this blog. And nobody needs to tell me that obsessing over someone you only see on TV is a big fucking waste of time, but it's not like I had anybody else. I don't know what else to say except that my heart is broken. For no good goddamn reason. If anybody's reading this could you please reach out to me? I am so miserable right now & I can't talk to anybody about it because I'm too ashamed. I just went to his FB page & deleted all of my comments on it. I don't want anyone else to know how pathetically I followed him.

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