It's a GAD GAD World
Thursday, March 30, 2006

Good things and bad things have happened to me in the past 7 days.

First, the good things. Last Friday I went to see the Cute Guy perform. It was the first time I'd seen him in over a month. I wore something really stylish & it actually worked! I scored this black silk blouse with red flowers on it at Macy's for $9 a few months ago, & this was the first time I'd worn it. The bottom has sort of a swishy diagonal cut, so it's meant to be worn untucked. (I tucked it in for work, though.) And the neck has a wide, low cut--kind of revealing for work, but I wore a blazer over it, so I was OK. It was just the look I love. Honestly, I wish I could walk around all day wrapped in a towel. I love baring my neck & shoulders & just a bit of cleavage, and my legs from the knees down aren't that bad. It's just all the stuff in the middle that's saggy & lumpy & otherwise less-than-attractive. I wore a gold necklace & bracelet & did my nails to complement the look.

But anyway--he was sitting in the lobby when I arrived, & he hugged me hello. THen he disappeared, & I didn't see him till after the show. THis gave me time to take off my coat & blazer & untuck my blouse. When he came back into the lobby I stood up & we talked a bit. He even said I looked nice in the top. HE SAID I LOOKED NICE! I *NEVER* get that from a guy! Ever! Eventually I left, & he initiated another hug.

...OK, so maybe it's not the same as getting laid. But when you're as lonely & as isolated as I am, you take whatever you can get.

Another good thing that happened was that my friend scored tix to an upcoming Rick Springfield concert. I've been a fan for 20+ years (God, that makes me feel old), & I've never seen him live. THe seats are in the nosebleed section, but I'll take them.

Now for the bad things. Somebody at the School of Style got fired today. Surprisingly, it wasn't me. BUt this was a complete shock. She was a good worker, polite & conscientious. I can't imagine what she could have possibly done to deserve this. It makes me wonder when my number could be up. There's been nothing but praise for me, but as far as I knew no one had any complaints about this worker either. And now she's canned.

Even though it wasn't me who got fired, it stressed me out for the remainder of the day. On the way home I did something I almost never do--I went to a fast-food joint & got a ginormous bacon cheeseburger. Heart attack to go.

I know I shouldn't soothe my problems with food. But food is about the only thing left in the world that gives me any pleasure. I still like music, but it's getting harder & harder for me to enjoy it. I can't do late nights anymore like I used to. I don't have the energy, & with my insomnia & my sleepy meds I have to be in bed by a certain hour or else I turn into a pumpkin.

I just want to be safe. I yearn for safety. Nothing in this world is secure. Not job, not health, not even the love of your family. I just wish that somewhere in this world there was a place where I could go and know I would be loved and valued and that no one would ever hurt me. And even if bad things happened, that I'd be able to get through them.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted...

I got a new computer on 2/20. Well, make that a slightly "pre-owned" computer. My friend the computer geek managed to score one from the law firm where he works. Don't worry, he didn't steal it! The firm bought some new computers to upgrade and my "new" computer was one of the ones they didn't need anymore. So the firm gave it to him, and he gave it to me.

Then about 2 weeks after he hooked it up, my computer & my modem stopped talking to each other. Between being sick and other commitments, it took my geek friend another 2 weeks to come out to my place & fix the damn thing. But it's finally fixed. YAY!

So first, an update on the job. It's a college. We'll call it the School of Style. So far, so good. At least on the outside. On the inside I'm constantly worrying about getting fired. Given all that's happened to me at work in the past, you can hardly blame me. Even though I've had nothing but praise from my boss & the powers-that-be, I can't enjoy it because I'm afraid that as soon as I let my guard down the other shoe will drop & I'll be let go or fired or something.

Now to what you're really interested in if you're one of the 5 or so people on the planet who are actually reading this blog--my treatment. Since last I blogged I've met with my nice p-doc twice. I am very well-stocked with meds. That's the good news. The bad news is my insurance at my new job is not going to cover my Namenda (memantine for you non-US readers) because it's an off-label use.

Fortunately I'll be able to manage for a while. On my last meeting with the asshole pdoc he gave me several sample packs of Namenda (1 sample pack is good for about a month). As of right now I have 6 packs left. When I first lost my job at Prestigious Institution I went through all my meds & put away a 30-day emergency stash for each one. I still have my Namenda stash. In addition, I was going through my meds last month & I discovered I had one refill left on the prescription my pdoc wrote me a year ago. So I filled it. The 9/11 benefit that I signed up gives me reimbursement for up to $1,500 worth of meds. I've already used up about $300, so that leaves me $1200 to play with. At roughly $165 for a 30-day supply of Namenda, that gives me about 7 months more to play with. It's also possible that Forest may still be giving out sample packs. Next time I see the pdoc (4/14) I'll ask her if she can look into it.

So...that's 8 months of Namenda I currently have on me, plus another 7 months for which I can be reimbursed. And that's if the pdoc CAN'T get any samples.

Then what? Maybe I'll go back to Neurontin. It didn't work as well as Namenda, but it's covered under my insurance. Maybe by then there will be another glutamate inhibitor out there that's cheaper. Or maybe by then there will be some research done on Namenda as a treatment for GAD & it will be approved by then.

OH, I almost forgot my exciting news of the day: I've been called up for jury duty. It's for 4/26. The deal is I have to show up that day. If they don't pick me for a case I'm free to go & I don't have to go again for another 3 years. If they do pick me for a case, I have to serve for that case, then I'm done.

I will keep you posted!

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