It's a GAD GAD World
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
JUNE: I'm finally awarded the position I was planning to move into for nearly a year, but I'm told at the last minute that it's a lateral move, so I won't be getting a raise.
BEGINNING OF JULY: I'm offered an open enrollment period where I can make changes to my insurance plan if I want to. Seeing as how I'm not getting a raise, and also that there's no guarantee I'll get one in October, I decide to give myself a raise by switching insurance plans. I switch to the "dirt cheap but you're screwed if you have to go out-of-network" plan instead of the "you've got some out-of-network coverage but we're going to take more than double the amount out of your paycheck for it" plan.
END OF JULY: I submit the insurance-switching forms to HR. My new plan becomes effective 8/1.
TODAY: My t-doc informs me TODAY that she doesn't accept my insurance plan. That's right, she told me TODAY, the last day that I officially had any "out-of-network" coverage. Never mind the fact that I've been seeing her since MAY!! So it looks like I'm never going to see that t-doc again. Nice knowin' ya! :P
In my p-doc's office there are 2 almost-identical sculptures of a man sitting cross-legged with his head buried in his hands. That's exactly how I feel.
After I left the office I started walking downtown. I wandered into Barnes & Noble & wandered out with $100+ in books. And yes, I paid for it! I'm not a shoplifter! :)
One of the books I bought was a wedding present for my friend the computer geek. Back in December he told me he was getting married. Shortly before Christmas I showed up at his workplace (one of the office spaces where I work is 1 floor above him) and left a Christmas present on his desk (he wasn't there). I haven't spoken to him since.
I feel like shit for that. But let's face it, there's not going to be any room for me in his life once he gets married. He & I have been friends for 5 years. We met through an online personal ad, believe it or not. We never became romantically involved. He's not much of a talker or a listener, and I really need someone who can hold up his end of the conversation. So basically we became hang-out buddies who occasionally went to concerts together.
And when he started dating the woman who will now become his wife, he made sure to let me know that the chick was cool with him hanging out with me from time to time. And we did hang out. But you can't hang out with your single female friends once you're a MARRIED MAN!! It's just not right. And maybe things would have been ok if I could have become friends with the fiancee. But in the 3+ years they've been together I've only met her once. And although I've made efforts to bond with her, she's never taken any interest.
So I have to let him go. There's just no other way.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
THE LITTLE HOUSE THAT MADE ME CRY
I went out for a walk earlier this evening, as I sometimes do when I get cabin fever in my tiny shoebox apartment and I have nothing else I feel like doing. I figure I can eiter sit inside and do nothing, or I can walk around the block and still do nothing. But at least if I'm walking around the block I can burn some calories.
And when I walked around the block I saw it. A little house. With a "for sale" sign pitched in the front. And I started thinking about how nice it would be to own a little house in this area, right on my block so that I could still walk to all the things I can walk to. And not have to put up with my creepy landlord or my inconsiderate neighbors.
And then I started thinking that I can't possibly be in my right mind if I think I can afford a mortgage, utility bills, and property taxes. And that's what made me cry. Knowing I'll never be able to afford my own place. Knowing that I'll never have a man in my life who could live there with me and be my love and help me pay for it and take care of it. Knowing that I'll always be a loser. And that's what made me cry.
Then I started thinking about my sister. You know, the one who got the career, the car, the husband, the house, and the kid--all by the age of 30. And then there's me, who at 37 has none of those things and probably never will.
And then I started thinking about perspective. In the eyes of my so-called "family", I am a total loser. I'm not married, I have no kids, I pay a staggering amount of money to live in a shoebox each month, and I'll probably never own a home or a car. And I've got 2 college degrees rotting away while I work at a job that is so far beneath me intellectually that it's not even funny. On the other hand, in the eyes of some of my contemporaries, I've got it pretty good. I've got an apartment where the rent is dirt cheap by NYC standards, I've got a secure job with health insurance, and I have no car payments. And I'm free to do as I please.
And what do you see in your own eyes? I see a person who's just getting by doing the best she can. Nothing to be ashamed of, but nothing to be proud of either.
The way I see it, life is a race and death is the finish line. You can walk it, jog it, or flat-out sprint. Whatever works for you. Suicide is cheating--like taking a cab to the finish line. And every day I lay my head down on the pillow and go to sleep means I'm one step closer to the finish line. That's it. I'm in no hurry to finish, because I have nothing to look forward to in life. (What? Old age? Poverty? Those aren't things to look forward to.)
I put up with all the bullshit at my p-doc's office so I can get the damn meds. I take the damn meds so I can come in to work and pretend to be normal for 8 hours a day. And the only reason I bother to work is so I can keep a roof over my head and food in my belly. That's it. Nothing more.
I'm sorry to sound like a broken record, but I wish I knew why I was alive. I don't matter to anyone. No one depends on me. If I had some purpose in life maybe it would all make sense. But I don't and it doesn't.
I guess the one positive I have is that maybe my life will end sooner than I thought it would. I had a doctor's appt at the beginning of July. (Regular doc, not p-doc.) For 2 weeks prior to the appointment I actually tried to take care of myself. I cut out the ice cream, I bought a pedometer. I actually took time out to exercise and tried to eat healthy.
When I was at the doc I had blood work done. I got the little result card in the mail last week. My cholesterol actually went UP! It's now 230-something. As was my weight.
By now my weight is down to 225. And I completely give up on trying to be healthy. I went to the grocery store & bought 2 boxes of doughnuts (they were on sale 2 for $5 & I had a $1-off-2 coupon). I've eaten 2 doughnuts so far. I also bought a pint of Ben & Jerry's (Chocolate Almond Nougat, yum!) and a half-gallon of Breyer's (chocolate Twix bar, haven't opened it yet). I figure if I drop dead of a heart attack it could be the best thing that ever happened to me. At least I won't have to go through life being ashamed of what a failure I am. I won't have to go through life at all. No more worries, no more pain, no more crying, no more loneliness. No more annoying-as-fuck people to put up with. No more debt. No more fear. No more failure. No more anything.
I went to a concert last week. There was a guy in the audience I recognized. An actor/singer/writer/toomanyotherthingstomention. I'd never met him before, but I'd seen some of his work. After the concert I approached him, introduced myself, & complimented him on a recent project. He reached out & shook my hand. And for the past week I haven't been able to stop thinking about the touch of his hand, because apart from that, I can't remember the last time any human being provided me with any kind of human contact. (Doc's exams don't count.)
Friday, July 06, 2007
MY SO-CALLED VACATION...AND SOME IMPORTANT LINKS
I may have posted links to these sites in previous posts, but it never hurts to post them again. These are 2 sites you should look at if you're under-insured or uninsured and you can't afford your meds. (ANY meds, not just crazy meds.)
1) www.pparx.org . This is the website for the Partnership for Prescription Assistance. Ever see a commercial where Montel Williams is driving a big truck around the country interviewing people who've lost their jobs & can't afford their meds? Well, this is the organization he's promoting. It's legit, folks. There are obviously certain financial requirements you have to meet, and not every single drug under the sun is covered. But if you're struggling, you might be able to find some help here.
2) www.rxassist.org . Here's a dirty little secret most drug companies don't want you to know. They actually provide "patient assistance programs"(PAP)--programs to provide their drugs to people who can't afford them. They don't make a lot of noise about it. In fact, some of them are downright sneaky about it. At one point during my days of un(der)employment I went to Forest's website specifically looking for info on their Namenda program (knowing full well that it existed) & couldn't find it on the site.
Fortunately, the geniuses who developed this site have done all the dirty work for you. This is sort of an online database of prescription drugs whose companies offer a PAP. The site contains a search engine. You look up your particular med, and it directs you to the info regarding the PAP for that med if there is one, along with a PDF for the PAP application form.
Generally the way it works is you have your doc write a prescription for your med, then you and/or your doc fax the prescription along with the PAP application and any necessary documents (most require proof of income--tax returns, pay stubs, etc.). Then the drug company will mail your meds directly to you.
What are the income requirements? How much of your drug can you get? It varies from drug company to drug company--even from med to med. So you have to read the fine print. But if your doc isn't aware of this resource, alert him/her to it NOW!
OK, back to my so-called vacation...
I refer to it as such because it's almost over (I go back to work Monday) & I don't feel rested at all. You would think with 7 days off I would have had more time to write & blog. Oh no. Nay nay. I made these lists of chores I planned to get done during my break, hoping to get one list done each day, but it never happened. I got some of the things done on each list, but not all of them. As a result, my apartment still looks like a pig sty despite the fact that I've thrown out at least 2 garbage bags' worth of stuff.
Of course, I also scheduled numerous doc appointments during this time, culminating in an unexpected visit to the dentist yesterday. The visit was unexpected because when I went in on Tuesday for my routine visit, the dentist told me I had a cavity that was about a millimeter away from becoming a root canal. It couldn't wait till my next break, so I had to schedule it for this week. So I scheduled it for yesterday. It totally wiped me out. It was then that I decided to abandon the idea of getting all these projects done. I'm just going to enjoy what's left of my break.
OK, now to the news you really wanted to read about. I had an appointment with the t-doc on Tuesday. I talked about my blowout with the White Russian & how the n-p is kind of putting me in the middle. The upshot is that for my next n-p appt I'm going to stop by the office the day before my appt & leave a note for the n-p giving her a heads-up that I'm coming. This way she can grab whatever meds I need without having to talk to the White Russian about it. Hopefully that will alleviate the situation.
I'm going into the city today to have lunch with a friend & hopefully do some shopping. Tomorrow night I'm planning to attend a concert. Then Sunday will be my day to get my shit together and go back to work. Bleh!