It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, December 14, 2008
So here's what's happened in the week since my long-awaited yet utterly uneventful encounter with the Guitar God:

*Shot him a very brief email (like, less than 5 lines). I made it a point to wait at least 24 hours before sending it. No response.

*Discovered he's got performance videos up on YouTube. I don't think he's the one who posted them, though. I download them to my computer, and shoot an email to the poster (under an alias) asking when they were shot. (GG was obviously much younger in the videos than he is today.) I also post a comment on one of the videos-brief, complimentary, and nothing suggestive at all.

*Ordered a book for him from the UK for this birthday thing I'm working on for him.

*Listen to his radio appearance over the weekend. He was playing backup for someone else.

*Today I check YouTube to see if the poster had logged into his account lately and maybe read my msg. Poster logged in 1 day ago, took down the video I had commented on, and re-posted it.

I need to stop this. Seriously.

In other GAD news, I had an appointment with the p-doc on Friday. I was going to finish my thought, but my Ambien is starting to kick in and I feel like nodding off at the computer. I'll have to talk about the pdoc visit another time. Nighty-night!

Sunday, December 07, 2008
Business first. I've signed up for a new anonymous email account & I've just attached this blog to it. So just to make sure everything's working properly, I need y'all to post comments. They can be bullshit comments, and if you label them as such I will reject them and not post them to the blog. I just want to know that the comments are coming through. Thanks.

Now for the lack of pleasure. Tonight was the Guitar God's gig I mentioned about a month ago. The one I said I was going to diet and exercise for. That went out the window after about 3 days and I have not lost any weight. I haven't gained any, but I haven't lost any either.

I bought new clothes for this gig. I actually bought and wore a new skirt. First thing this morning I tried on the whole ensemble just to make sure everything would fit all right, and it did. I looked good. I even wore a little eyeliner. I've never been able to get the hang of it, but I went light on it, so I didn't look like a raccoon or anything.

There were some great surprises in the show, and it went really well. And Guitar God was SMOKING. I haven't seen him play this well in a really long time. I noticed he's starting to go bald in the back. But I didn't care. I was too happy to see him.

And then...the moment I'd been waiting for since July when I kissed him. The show was over, people were filing out, and GG was packing up his stuff. I had sworn to myself prior to the gig that I would initiate no physical contact with him, but if he initiated something I'd reciprocate.

I said hello. He reached out to give me a lukewarm hug. He turned his head as though to offer me his cheek to kiss, then held me at arm's length & said he was really sweaty. (He was. Not that I minded.) So I never actually kissed him.

We talked for about 2 minutes, but it was pretty non-committal. He hooked up with his friends close to the exit, I stood there and waited for my friend who had attended the show with me. As I walked out the door I touched his arm on the way out. That's when I think he said, "No touching!" Like I said, I THINK he said that. I'm honestly not sure. And if I were, believe me, I'd share it with you. You all know I don't hold back here.

I turned around from outside the door and looked at him, "Are you OK?" He just smiled and waved. And the door closed. And that was it.

Folks, I am not a stupid woman. I know I have absolutely no logical reason to believe that this man will ever want me. The fact that I have known him for 7 years and he's never once asked me out is proof enough. And yet I still persist. Not exclusively, but every time he walks into the room I stop breathing. Even with his bald spot and his occasionally shitty self-esteem, he still takes my breath away. And I am still plotting a major gift blitz for his 50th birthday.

So why do I persist? Why him? Well, partially because it's not like there are a lot of single men in my life. Partially because we don't always get to choose the people to whom we are attracted. And also...I go to so many concerts. And I love doing it. The high of a really great show is unlike anything I've ever experienced. But I always go alone. And at the end of the night, when the band has left the stage and everyone's gone home, I'm alone with no one to share that experience. I want someone who can sit beside me at a concert and be just as blown away as I am. And as a musician, Guitar God has that capability. He GETS it. We might not necessarily like the same bands, but we both get music.

If another music man were to drop out of the sky tomorrow, I could be happy with him. And he doesn't necessarily have to be a musician as long as he loves music. But right now GG is the only single and available music man in my life.

So when you're sending me your bullshit comments to test the system, you don't need to tell me I'm a loser. Believe me, I already know. Why else would I be pining for a guy whose had 7 years to make a move and hasn't? Why else would I still be alone at 38?

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