It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, November 29, 2009
So here's what's going on with me GAD-wise...

My performance review is coming up. My boss hasn't said a word to me yet. I only know this because I overheard her discussing reviews in general with another employee.

I would rather have a root canal than undergo a review. Hell, I would rather be FIRED than go through a review.

When my boss first became my boss, she went over my most recent review with me. This was a good thing, because I finally got to explain my side of the story of the hell I went through in summer 2008 with someone who would actually listen and not try to shift the blame on me. Then she explained that she wasn't going to write my next review, *I* was going to write it. I was supposed to keep track of my accomplishments over the year and then put them into a written summary.

This is why I'm puzzled over her lack of communication. If it's coming up, wouldn't she want to give me a heads-up? Unless she was lying to me, which is very possible. My boss has revealed a split personality. One minute she is the most rational, caring, level-headed, practical person I know. The next minute, she's ordering me around and talking to me like a student who's been caught plagiarizing. I never know which boss I'm going to get at any given moment.

I really shouldn't care what my boss says in my review. Under normal circumstances our annual raises are determined by how well we do in our reviews, but that's not happening this year because of budget cuts. So my review will have no effect on my salary at all. I also shouldn't care what my boss says because even after a year of being my supervisor she still has no clue what my job is, so why would her opinion matter?

And yet, I'm dreading it like a visit to the dentist. Welcome to the wonderful world of GAD.

I've got an entire week off for Thanksgiving. Not that I really celebrated it. I bought some cold-cut turkey, a couple of potatoes, a single-serve box of frozen veggies, and a jar of turkey gravy. Then I heated everything, gave some turkey to the cat, and ate.

Today I was feeling really crappy, like something was squeezing my chest and I couldn't draw a deep breath. And I was sluggish too. Then it occurred to me that the last time I felt like this was when I was going through klonopin withdrawal. So I took 0.5 mgs about 1/2 an hour ago. Now I feel better.

I typically go off my meds when I'm not working. It allows me to stretch out the time in between refilling prescriptions, which saves me money. It also keeps me from building up a tolerance to the meds. It's just not every week I get an entire week off, that must be why I'm feeling withdrawal.

I'm temporarily moving some of my stuff into storage so that I can get some new furniture. A neighbor in my building offered to drive me to the storage place so that I didn't have to walk everything over. We did that yesterday. While we were in the car I told him that I hadn't been able to take a real shower since October because the faucet broke. He went to the hardware store and bought me the part I needed to fix it.

I am so grateful for people like him. I wish there was something I could do for him, but I can't think of anything. I can't really cook or bake for him because he's diabetic. I'll have to think of something.

Sunday, November 08, 2009
Yeah, I know. It's been a while.

First, a mental health update. I've been in a really pissed off mood for a while now. I don't know why, other than I'm fairly certain it's not PMS. I just have no patience with anyone or anything. I feel like I really want to beat the shit out of somebody. No one in particular, unless there's a particular person who happens to be pissing me off at the moment.

Work update: Work has actually become bearable. My boss has become more tolerable, although I have discovered that she's inconsistent. So my strategy is to go with my gut and do what I think is the right thing, regardless of what I think she might or might not say about it. If it gets me fired, well--at least I was doing what I thought was the right thing at the time.

Finally, the 2 men I've alluded to in previous posts. No, I have not seen or heard from the Guitar God. But I did see 2 of his friends earlier this week. I wasn't going to mention him, but they did. And when they did, I told them what I had done for him and that I hadn't heard squat. They thought that this was typical, that he's been known to vanish off the face of the earth for lengthy periods. I don't buy that because I know that within a month of his birthday he had 2 gigs, neither of which I attended. So I know he hasn't dropped off the planet Earth. What I do know is that if his friends see him, he's going to get an earful from them about me. Whatever.

Remember this guy I met at a concert back in May? The one I call Red? Well, I went to the concert I thought he was going to be at, and he wasn't there. I still had a good time. Then a couple of weeks ago out of the blue he emails me and informs me that he missed the concert. (No shit, Sherlock.) Then he says that he doesn't seem to be available during the times that I'm in the city.

At this point I got fed up and I just mailed the CD to him. (I recorded the concert we had both attended in May & burned it onto a CD for him.) A simple Google search enabled me to find out where he works, so I mailed it there. No note, just the CD.

About 4 days later I get an email from him acknowledging receipt & thanking me. I waited a few days, then emailed him back saying that mailing it was easier than having it lying around my apartment reminding me of him, and that he could scratch me off his to-do list now.

Tonight I got an email from him saying that this wasn't fair and that he wanted to keep my good will. (My good will? WTF?) So I shot him an email back saying that I might not be attractive or have a lot of social skills, but I wasn't stupid. If he had really wanted to see me again he would have made time to do it. And even if he was really busy, he at least would have found a way to keep in touch. He didn't do either. And I said I was sorry for being stupid enough to think he might want to see me again.

I'm seriously thinking of becoming a Wiccan and living my life in solitude. Wiccan is a religion you can practice alone, it would allow me to become more spiritual, and I can cast spells that will hopefully give me more financial security. It's obvious at this point that no one is ever going to love me, so I might as well prepare myself to live alone. Not that this isn't what I've been doing ever since I got kicked out of the house. But at least this will be more purposeful.

I have a friend who's in her mid-20s. She's got a master's degree and she's never held a real job. She has no idea how to write a cover letter, and she's terrified of applying for jobs (even low-level crappy retail jobs) because she doesn't think she's good enough. 15 years ago that could have been me. I want to help her, but I don't know what to say. I don't think there is any magic phrase that will help her get over her fear. I think she should go for a low-level retail job 1) just to get some income, and 2) to build up her confidence. Come on, if idiot high school kids can work retail, she can! But nothing I say helps.

I gotta go take my Ambien in a few minutes.

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