DEAD RED, AND I LIVE IN BED
OK, let me get the non-psycho crap out of the way first.

Shortly after my last post, I sent Red an email pointing out to him that he was up to the same crap he pulled the last time we were in communication with each other. (No, not in those words, I was a little more tactful than that.) I told him point-blank that I was a very lonely person, that I did in fact want to see him again, and that telling me he wanted to see me again and then making excuses and communicating in monosyllables when I tried to reach out to him was just cruel. I haven't heard from him since, and I don't expect to. Of course, this doesn't stop me from thinking about him every damn day. So that's dead. Not Red himself, sorry if the title suggests that.

At the beginning of this month I started keeping a written diary of how much I was bleeding on any given day to see if I could detect a pattern. And of course, a week after I started keeping track I stopped bleeding. If I start bleeding again this week I'll know I'm having a normal cycle again.

And now...I saw my pdoc a few weeks ago and told her I wanted to discuss possible alternatives to doxepin. Not because I wanted to stop taking it, but because in light of this stupid heart condition I may HAVE to stop, & I wanted to have an alternative plan in place before I'm in the depths of a depressive crisis.

Her response was not good. She said that going on any other tricyclic was out of the question for the same reason that doxepin is a bad idea. I already know that the SSRIs/SNRIs don't work for me, they make me worse. She suggested 3 possible alternatives: 1) Remeron, which I don't think would work because it puts me out like a light, and it doesn't seem to do much for my depression when I do take it. 2) Depakote--I looked this one up after I got home and based on the side effects I don't think I would tolerate it well. 3) Tegretol--I didn't even bother looking this one up because my pdoc said it would be dangerous for me to be on it while I was coming off doxepin.

I'd heard some years ago that Topamax could be used as an anti-depressant even though that's not its FDA-approved use. I asked her about it & she shrugged & said she didn't know anything about it.

So now I'm scared shitless that my pdoc is going to take me off doxepin & there won't be any viable alternative for me.

It gets better. I left the pdoc's office with $95 worth of prescription slips. I go to get the scrips filled, and when I go to pay for them with my FSA card, the card is declined. I paid for the drugs with my debit card. Then a couple of days later at work I look up my account to see if I can figure out what the problem is.

Turns out I've maxed out my FSA benefit for the year. It's only April. And I can't adjust my contibution until July. And it won't go into effect till August 1. This means no more medical visits for me until at least September.

In other news my life has become a blob. I have become a blob. I didn't fall asleep last night until 3:30am. Woke up at 12:30pm & ate half a Freschetta pizza for breakfast. Then at 4pm I ate a chocolate bunny. (Happy Easter.) Then around 8pm I ate a yogurt, and now I'm noshing on Hershey Kisses. It was 77 degrees and clear today, yet I spent virtually the entire day inside because I just couldn't work up the energy to go out.

It's raining now with thunder & lightning. Somehow thunderstorms make me feel peaceful. Like it's nasty outside, but I'm safe and dry in here. To quote Garbage, I'm only happy when it rains.
- posted by Pat @ 8:42 PM